Happy Thanking..and Thanks Giving

I'm thankful for this entire year. Thankful for experiencing so much love and being capable of feeling so much for someone, despite thinking i've turned cold or numb or jaded.

Thankful for having found enough motivation to keep trying, and for not having given up. Thankful for the job that balanced out so much for me, introduced me to you, and kept me from going insane.

Thankful for my health, for a year that's went by smoothly and strongly. I am well and I am feeling well.

Thankful for my family's health, for the blessing of such a wonderful new life into this little family that could use a few more members.

Thankful for the friends I made this year, I met so many new interesting people that added so much to my life.

I am truly grateful and thankful for every experience underwent this year. For every trip i made and novelty i ventured.

I am thankful for getting the chance to meet old friends that I hadn't seen in some time, and for them being well and healthy too.

This year I feel blessed with good luck, good fortune, love, family, friendship, experience, wisdom, adventures and lots of new learnt things.

Thankful that at this very moment, I feel special, loved, taken care of, successful, motivated, beautiful, loving, and most importantly... like i belong.

Thankful that at this very moment, I am with my mother, and she is healthy and strong. Rabena yekhaleehaly weytawely fi 3omraha.

Thank You for such a blessed year. You truly work in wonderful, mysterious ways.

Words of the year

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Time to Pretend - MGMT

No going back

I am thankful for the intensity of my emotions when you left. It was like I mourned you.

Because now that I have moved on.

I have.

Completely.

Paint the walls with my brain

Perhaps this is what growing up is really about..the exhaustion that comes with repetitive matter.

I know it sounds naive coming from a 20something year old...who pretty much doesn't know jack shit about real exhaustion. But maybe it's a maturing process. I find myself instantly knowing what I want to avoid and what to seek. I find myself saddened by things that just won't change despite my efforts and in spite of me entirely. I find myself frustrated with mistakes that unfold the same way as the ones before them, confused by why the outcome isn't different even as I approach things with novelty.

Perhaps I lack perspective, or creativity. Maybe I am a lot more limited than I thought and continue to get myself into the same sticky situations with the same consequential events. Maybe I just have a bad learning curve.

Perhaps I'm just tired..and I need a break.

مجنون على نسك

من السهل قوي انك تقرر ان حد "مغرور"..بكلمة وحدة تقرر انسانية الشخص ده. يمكن من تعامل الشخصية معاك, او عدم التعامل .لكن بكل طلقائية و بكل بجاحة تبدأ الشتايم و التهم و جنون اسمه هسس عالدماغ . لاكن انك تفكر ان يمكن الانسان ده مش من حقك؟

مش من حقك تعرفوا وتعاشروا وتحفظوا لغاية ماتعرف طبيعته لان ده اصلا توافق. افرد يا سيدي انت مش متوافق مع الشخصية او حتى هي مش طايقة دين امك يا اخي!!!!! هو ايه بالعافية ولا ارهاب؟

و لو انا قررت اني مش عايزاك.. ده حقي. مش معناه اني مغرورة ولا شرموطة ولانكدية ولا انانية. مفيش اصلا بيننا حاجة ولا كان في ولا هايبقى.

ولا باردو المتوقع مني اني ابررلك نفسي او نيتي. ولو انا مش مرتحالك انا حرة ابعد عنك واطلب منك تغور. من غير بقى متوجع دماغي و تلزائلي و تدي لنفسك مبرر انك تخبط وتهرتل فالكلام. اعزرك؟ يمكن اعزر جنونك بس يا ريت تتجنن بعيد عني بقى ومسمعش صوتك من اصلو.

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I have consumed your every description. of her, of yourself, of you together. I have sat and observed your every wrinkle and bend and your face reminds me of one i have come to adore and despise. Your scent, so obtrusive and violent, offends my loneliness. offends my being, the one I have come to so delicately protect, and desperately maintain.

Then I read what you had to say, once with admiration, another with such awe..many times your words bred violence to my dreams and inclinations towards life, mostly, two days ago, your words, so untrimmed and ugly, like hair growing out of one's mouth or eyes, suffocating and quite blinding, choked me as I read and sobbed violently. As I read and felt the little emotional relevance turn into physical warfare. Reeling in slow motion across my face, my brain processed the words over and over and over again, speaking them to my ears and showing them to my eyes and slapping around something inside my chest, that was translated to me into pathetic attempts to take my breath and quiet myself down.

Immortalized like so many similar statements before, my infant memory must coexist with this one too.

You are so naive.