start

I long for a place where my memories don't cling onto its roads. Where everything is new, unscathed by nostalgic setbacks that bring me crashing to where I find myself when I recall..anything.
this longing comes with a realization, that you never long for what is there, but what is gone. so much is no longer. So much is finished unstarted, so much pending with no clear timelines or schedules or plans. Ambiguous direction. Aimless.


I long for songs that aren't soundtracks to those roads. That haven't played on my player when you held my hand as I shifted into gear. Songs we didn't hear together period. I want songs to hear alone that don't bring back any thoughts. Just tunes that bring about new thoughts. 


I want a phone that hasn't received a single text. A number no one memorizes. Perhaps even a new name.


I want to get rid of all my old things, the little papers in the bottom of my drawers and the piles of notebooks I've written down fragmented thought vomit into. Doodles, drew...back when I used to draw. I want to draw again but I won't.


I can tell I want a new beginning, and I can tell it won't solve everything. New beginnings usually bring about...but I don't know..it's been so long since I've had a beginning. Let alone new.


I fantasize about starting something somewhere from scratch. I need to.