An inability to focus on one single thought. That must be it. That must be the reason why we wrinkle into sadness. when we lose grasp over our brain and realize that our memories and our alertness and receptors have all blended together.
Every activator sparks tens of thoughts and you race with your own cognitive to try to zoom in on one.
Have I lost my mental clarity?
Have I lost my ability to compartmentalize my own mind?
Have I lost control all together?
This is the thing about control freaks. They don't have control, and spend the rest of their lives trying to get a hold of it.
At times I might enjoy the random scurry that my mind puts itself into, but most of the time I must say, I hate it, and it transforms into physical agony, as I try to control it like I control other muscles in my weak and humble sorry excuse for a body.
Then what is it that I'm after? What is it exactly that is making me feel disgusted and suffocated of everything around me but mostly myself? What is it that is really ticking me off? And the vicious cycle begins again. I can not put my finger on it.
It's that simple, and with this simplicity that I struggle the most.
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