Sueside

"We" lost...?

2012-01-06T13:59:00.001+02:00

I write this from my position as a spectator for the past 6 months, standing close to those who toiled away in these elections, trying to fight for the 'liberal' seats in parliament, as their ultimate goal.

As an employee of one of the somewhat biggest liberal parties now recognizable (at least by name if not anything else) in the country, and a close friend of a couple of those unfortunate enough to find themselves in the higher council of this party, I have seen and heard so much, that although I did not personally experience, I find myself responsible to share some it with other non-partisans.

My reason, primarily, is because I am tired with those who find it so easy to criticize and point fingers and place blame on the so called liberal forces who failed to prepare for elections as they sit there completely clueless of the intricacies of that world. Adding to that, those who actually are aware, are either too busy, too humble, or just don't care to explain.

This is not to say that there were no mistakes made, they are countless, but I'll leave that to those who know why and how they were made, I am just shedding light on the other stuff.

It starts with team building.

In post referendum Egypt, parties springing up rushed to get started; putting together a political program, a team of lawyers, a permanent work force, volunteers, media units, road maps, district deputies, and eventually, potential candidates. Let's put aside the funding issues for now, Egypt was never exactly a place that harbored politics and its politicians. Egyptians have never before underwent this level of political participation, and minus a few parties (hardly active or even heard of) no one knew how this is done.

This meant a sudden sky rocketing demand for a skill of which the supply was next to non-existent. Let's examine the market for a moment.

Politicians by profession: Those either already belonged to parties, such as El Wafd, El Ghad, El Tagamo', etc. or obviously, the NDP, whom were instantly branded as 'felool'... the stigma of modern-day-politically-virgin Egypt.

Politicians by study: Those basically studied politics, and it's safe to say, majority of them never put what they learnt to practice...and if any of you reading this are working in the same field you studied, you already know that those two worlds hardly have anything in common.

Politicians by experience: and those are the ones who pretty much did all the work. They either worked in parties or on elections in other politics-friendly countries, or from non-politically related jobs but knew the ins and outs, or at least slightly.

Now let's assume the political program was a collage of other programs and wasn't too hard to customize, the lawyers were plenty and managed their way through the procedures and the paperwork, the work force was in order, the volunteers were enthusiastic and ready, (I am being retrospectively ridiculously optimistic seeing as I just want to get to my point) and the media unit was already blabbing on all media-outlets about the awesomeness of the party and gradually but inevitably sounding a lot like الحزب المنحل ... aka .. The National Democratic Party. What's next? A road map! Yes. Let's start planning ahead for what is to come after this referendum, for which we have about 5 months to prepare.

[imaginary map inserted]

Before we start dividing up seats per district...it is probably worth considering that by this point, no one had a clue about the electoral law. None of the campaign strategists knew which way it would swing...our beloved Media would jump at any indication that a law was final when it was far from it, and those in 'charge' of the country, it is safe to assume, were either just as clueless, or liked to see the rest of us confused. So, parties had to make do with what they already have, and started planning based on the old system, the way it always was..they put together an initial road map just in time for the media to start buzzing about a change to the electoral law. What is it? No one knows. But we know it's changed.

Ok... Let's start playing pin the tail and bump around blindly as we sit in big important meetings and invite foreign experts and pollsters to tell us which way this will probably go so we can start again.

No wait! They just leaked the electoral law! Another big meeting and more little ones and new maps and new numbers and a whole different strategy. . .

Nope, not it either, because just when we thought we had it together, the official law was released, and it had nothing to do with the one that was leaked earlier.

50/50? Panic on the dance floor.
Let's see, more meetings, threats, deals, negotiations, protests, forums and press conferences... more meetings, statements, and so on and so forth

70/30? 46 districts for lists and 166 individual seats, 83 of which for laborers and farmers.
Alright. Game on.

[Kandahar Friday and Egyptian Bloc inserted]

I think we have 2 months to go by now. 60 days to assign deputies to the different districts for them to start scanning the field for the potential candidates and prepare the electoral lists in the proper order that will not piss anyone off or get one of the deputies killed. Yes. Killed.

News flash: The muslim brotherhood is everywhere on the streets and doing all kinds of social work and everyone is bitter with the liberal parties because they are no where to be seen! Where are the liberal parties? They are in over their heads, because they are trying to filter out the felool while still being able to secure some sort of win...they are probably stuck in that big meeting where they are fighting over which candidate goes where. Those meetings went on long enough when it was just one party, let alone an initial 18 trying to agree on something. Not my story to tell...but...something to consider.

Then there is everything else going on in parallel...
All the protests, the deaths, the arrests, the media mishaps, the SCAF pressers, the public backlashes, the internal struggles, the office fights, the panic, [the tweeted cartoons...]

Then there are all of the sleepless nights, the unbearable lack of support, the weight of the world on the shoulders of those who took the responsibility to get the liberals in parliament and were faced everyday with the reality that they might not be able to do it because everyday presents them with a new realization of just how unprepared they are in contrast to the islamic force.

Their social lives that were completely destroyed, their internal struggle between fighting for the revolution and for parliament, their lives endangered throughout the campaigns...

Their endless battle with incompetence, lack of experience, absence of knowledge, and poor preparation in the face of every new hurdle and bump along the road.

Yes they lost the elections, but only after giving up everything they had for it.
Some of them lost their political careers altogether, after making mistakes they couldn't afford.
Some of them lost their loved ones after having never had the time for them.
Some of them lost their status and public support.
and some lost their credibility.... the only thing they had.

So, before you speak on their behalf and say 'we' lost, and before you're quick to judge them and mock their failure as you call it, and before you rush to show them your disappointment with them, and before you lose your trust and faith in them, consider all that they've been through, the above of which amounts to nothing but a fraction of...and most importantly, remember, that these men and women had the courage to try...

I am honored to have worked even remotely next to some of them, and will forever be proud of them.
I am humbled that they fought for me and for all of us, a different kind of battle, but one that had to be fought nonetheless.

Thank you, is not enough.

Again.

2011-12-21T01:07:00.001+02:00

Humans at times fail themselves.
Familiarity with pain will usually lessen the hurting, slowly but surely delivering you to numbness, false strength, acceptance, and an impressive immunity to what would, and should, naturally hurt.

But sometimes there is a glitch.
Unfamiliarity with sudden torment, struggling to bury itself under notions of denial and rejection. I will not cry. It will not hurt this much. It shouldn't, hurt this much.

I am not sure what makes the exception, though the rule stays the same. Perhaps it is that humans are hopeful, helplessly hopeful, despite facades of realism branded as pragmatism, and a becoming of age that expects maturity yet disappoints endlessly.

Big words to cover up inner contortions and silent gasps. You swallow a sob, quickly wipe a tear, and distract yourself with such expertise, to move away from what occupies your mind, that has suddenly given up on your complexity, and has left you cornered with its simplicity and vulnerability.

Yes, it hurts.
Yes it scares you.
Yes you are not completely numb yet.
You have not learnt
You have not gotten used to it
...

Perfection derived from practice is involuntary. Your mind is almost programmed, and you undergo a simple procedure of self brain washing.

But imperfection is unavoidable.

2011-12-05T16:22:00.001+02:00

"They sat around that fancy meeting table with their iPads, blackberries and iPhones, some fancy hors d'oeuvres, not knowing what to do"
They all wore such expensive clothes, pinned with mini gold plated Egyptian flags, I asked them how? Where? When? They said we don't know.
Three television screens hanging for a backdrop, Burberry coats on unoccupied chairs…intricate…I thought...
There was a funny spelling mistake on the wall, and an engulfing red and white theme to everything.
I stepped out for a smoke and wondered…What the hell are we going to do?
Somewhere else, not so far from here, their counterparts were in their same clothes since days. Dark circles under their eyes.
Cooped up in a little smoke-filled room that they only frequented on their breaks from the street that has become their home for weeks.
They skipped meals, sleep, medications…for a belief that nothing is worth fighting for more than this.
Little did anyone know…those silent, invisible heroes, toiling away to the bone, to the bottom of their wallets and peace of mind.
Sacrificing their relationships at home, their friendships in life, their lives every day, their everything. . .
Only to receive a phone call from that new touch phone, asking why they were no-shows…
Such blinding contrast between the 2, under an impression that they're fighting for the same thing. Weapons of vanity and weapons of souls.
And when all is said and done, and they both go home, no one will remember, no one will care, no one will really and fully ever know.
But…one thing will remain from all this…threads upon threads of ridiculously mindless emails…sent from my iPad, my Blackberry, and my iPhone

October

2011-10-26T23:19:00.002+02:00

what makes a month a tough one? Is it the elevator that plummets several floors leaving you with a single thought looping over and over like it was a promise of the last thing you will ever think of?
Is it the slow demise of the one thing that silver lines your everything? so slow in fact that you almost feel yourself age while it takes its toll on you.

The brutal force of an entity that kills and beats and lies about it. The slim chances that your life could have ended that night, or the life of a loved one.

Is it the scare that you have to endure on your own inside your head, waiting and wondering and praying and terrified of it's concequences, alone, so alone in your head that almost anything that your mind manages to curate takes you back right to it. Then the waiting a little while for an instant truth, one that brings with it so much fear you would rather not wait at all, or feel like you're waiting a life time.

what constitutes our understanding of time? Is it what comes between a day and thirty ones [or so] later? do we categorize our state of emotions and mentality between these days and count our way into or out of it?

What causes our only truths to become the lies we insist on telling? As we pile up details to confuse and dilute the simple known facts that make our lives what they are... Is this how we lose touch of who we are? A merger of lies and non-lies that we share with the people who supposedly know our reality, realizing that eventually, they don't at all.

I am not sure of the answers to the above questions, but I have come to know the frustration that comes with the inability to verbalize sensical responses.. overwhelming, and enveloping.

All I know is that it is easier to ask these questions on my own, to myself, and await as my mind tries to conjure up the answers, that perhaps if I reach a conclusion by myself, it would be easier to absorb, and further more, implement.

Enough pretending

2011-10-07T11:56:00.000+02:00

The weakness of man is the pretense of strength.

Mind Game

2011-07-27T13:55:00.004+02:00

An inability to focus on one single thought. That must be it. That must be the reason why we wrinkle into sadness. when we lose grasp over our brain and realize that our memories and our alertness and receptors have all blended together.

Every activator sparks tens of thoughts and you race with your own cognitive to try to zoom in on one.

Have I lost my mental clarity?

Have I lost my ability to compartmentalize my own mind?

Have I lost control all together?

This is the thing about control freaks. They don't have control, and spend the rest of their lives trying to get a hold of it.

At times I might enjoy the random scurry that my mind puts itself into, but most of the time I must say, I hate it, and it transforms into physical agony, as I try to control it like I control other muscles in my weak and humble sorry excuse for a body.

Then what is it that I'm after? What is it exactly that is making me feel disgusted and suffocated of everything around me but mostly myself? What is it that is really ticking me off? And the vicious cycle begins again. I can not put my finger on it.

It's that simple, and with this simplicity that I struggle the most.

Begin with now

2011-01-24T19:14:00.000+02:00

This month has been dragging.
It has at least a couple of songs and a few nights where I drank out and stayed there.
This month has been long.
I work on my patience and prayers together and I await with content. Because one has to wait. Good things come to those who wait. Yes. Good things come.
This month isn't even over yet.
I don't count nor cross out. The calendar on the wall is a year old and hung on October. What happened that made it stop there? I do not recall.
Now is a year later.

The Basilica

2011-01-23T09:15:00.000+02:00

I'm playing..but I like it I think..

٢٣

2011-01-23T00:40:00.004+02:00

الرب راعي فلا يعوزني شيء

start

2011-01-09T12:59:00.002+02:00

I long for a place where my memories don't cling onto its roads. Where everything is new, unscathed by nostalgic setbacks that bring me crashing to where I find myself when I recall..anything.
this longing comes with a realization, that you never long for what is there, but what is gone. so much is no longer. So much is finished unstarted, so much pending with no clear timelines or schedules or plans. Ambiguous direction. Aimless.

I long for songs that aren't soundtracks to those roads. That haven't played on my player when you held my hand as I shifted into gear. Songs we didn't hear together period. I want songs to hear alone that don't bring back any thoughts. Just tunes that bring about new thoughts.

I want a phone that hasn't received a single text. A number no one memorizes. Perhaps even a new name.

I want to get rid of all my old things, the little papers in the bottom of my drawers and the piles of notebooks I've written down fragmented thought vomit into. Doodles, drew...back when I used to draw. I want to draw again but I won't.

I can tell I want a new beginning, and I can tell it won't solve everything. New beginnings usually bring about...but I don't know..it's been so long since I've had a beginning. Let alone new.

I fantasize about starting something somewhere from scratch. I need to.

Mourning

2011-01-01T18:26:00.003+02:00

"@Salamander: Heard of a car explosion in front of a church in alex"

"@halmustafa: بي بي سي نقلا عن مراسلها في القاهرة, تؤكد خبر انفجار سيارة مفخخة أمام كنيسة في الاسكندرية عند الساعة 12:20 #Egypt"

" @halmustafa: مراسل الجزيرة: 10 قتلى ونحو 30 إصابة وقوات الامن تحاصر المنطقة ويتم الان حصر الاحتجاجات داخل الكنيسة #Egypt"

"@jarelkamar: هتافات بالروح والدم نفديك يا صليب وجماعة اخري: الله اكبر وتراشق بالهتافات http://yfrog.com/gyr25xwj http://yfrog.com/gyyljhj"

"@jarelkamar: http://twitpic.com/3lsq27 Sporadic fights under the rain"

I read the words off my phone last night...church..explosion..I knew exactly what had happened.. I read it out loud and stared hard at my screen. Then it slowly but surely started rolling in...the numbers..the details...

What does someone say to that? anything would be an understatement. An embarrassment.

Prayers. Prayers for the innocent souls to be taken to Your heaven.. for Your justice..for You to protect them. Mostly, pray the hardest for it to stop.

So much anger and sadness combining. I am bitter and disgusted, angry, impatient, frustrated, fedup...I'm so much and I can't do anything about it and it's unbearable!! I feel helpless and so small. Pathetic. I see all these pictures and videos and all i have are words and tears and prayers. All i have are these miserable feelings inside me. and no one is doing anything.

All the words are petty. Useless. Infuriating. Provocative. All the sentiments are superficial. The speeches rehearsed.....The reactions generic.

They were praying...

Praying for God's glory..

on Earth and in the Heavens...

The instant fear as the explosion went off overwhelms..... safely watching on a laptop screen, knowing that human lives have just been lost..their flesh hanging onto the heavy and old wooden doors of a place that holds sanctuary, love and purity. Doors now blood stained.

Screams infused with prayers. Frantic prayer. Triggered by confusion and fear, no one knows what's happening..No one understands.

Insurmountable faith..they just keep praying.

So will I.

For the ability to do more.

†

2011-01-01T15:01:00.009+02:00

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Photo by Nasser Nouri from AhramOnline

2010-12-28T14:05:00.004+02:00

Fuck My Life

Nothing to say...just listen

2010-12-16T16:19:00.001+02:00

"If only I'd be a nightingale and sing in the gardens
In each of my folk songs write your name on them
Every morning I warble my rose (gülüm is a way of addressing to a female, informal)

If only I'd be a seagull, fly away over the seas
If I sailed into the wind, I'd reach the dawn
with every stroke of my wings"

Self lied truths.

2010-12-15T14:34:00.000+02:00

Unaware and underrated
Both combine powerfully
spawning memories,
stories of what I can be
once was, once will
I am being.

Comfortable delays
padded for a rest;
an overstayed welcome.
longing for a home
that never was.
I am looking.

Disappointments by...
well...disappointing on,
continuously varying about.
no fingers. no bullets.
no target to find.
I am aiming.

Curls and split ends
grays and frail bends.
Per day...Per sky
entanglements
run through it once
I am trying.

Chaotic order?

2010-12-07T13:13:00.001+02:00

Men get off on offending women! I don't want to narrow this down to Egyptian men and I don't want to generalize either, but if on a regular basis, i get name called and whistled at, get men on my tail trying to drive me off bridges, and randomly get cursed at for so daringly showing skin on my upper arms, then I can't help but be a little prejudice.

It's apparent to everyone living in Cairo now that this offensive rude nature has become a social stigma. People driving will curse, people in line (well what should have been a line) will push, soyas (people who help you park) will just outright ask you for money if you happen to even think of ignoring them, it's always crowded and stuffy, everything takes so long and takes too much effort...everyone is just ...fed up!

I mean, sure you'll still get your occasional smile without reason, friendly helpful strangers, even a random act of kindness every now and then. But for a man walking past me in broad day light who decides to randomly curse at me in a whispering tone...that's just messed up, and kind of sick, and well...calls for concern.

It's no longer about sexual frustration (yes that's how some of us egyptian gals liked to explain harassment at times when we've run out of other logical -or not- possibilities), it's not about religious inclinations or extremism. I definitely know what it's not about...but I can't figure out what on earth is going through someone's head as he passes a perfectly normally dressed female and whispers something about her mother's vagina ...you know! Just for the hell of it!

Sometimes i think to myself, we're just too many... perhaps it's expected that at some point, we won't stand each other. There's never room in restaurants, or parking spaces, or smooth traffic. We never get anything done on time...everyone is burning cigarettes and honking and cursing and on some days..you look around you and it's chaotic, and worst of all....you realize..you're part of it.

"Thought of you...where you'd gone"

2010-12-07T01:24:00.004+02:00

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

This is going to be my December

2010-11-30T10:29:00.001+02:00

why is it that you have nothing to say to me? Why? Why is it that when i want you to speak to me the most you ignore me? I have given up on wanting you to love me, and given up on wishing you would too. I still have hope though that you miss me, that you would speak to me...or that you want to, even if you don't.
There are memories that I feel are mine alone, that no one else can recall. Those ones that strike me at times when I want nothing to do with them, and everything comes crashing into my mind and my ear hears the sounds we made and the dialogue replays and i relive it all again. then again. then again. I keep it on repeat, with no reason or knowledge of one, but I do it anyway until the sound of it stops triggering something, or until the next distraction finds me.
I am not desperate nor hung up. I am not lonely nor scared of being so. I am only wishful. For so much that most of it is playful, and entertaining, and i use it to pass the time when I'm waiting to shift into Drive or taking a drag. I can only use it on me, in my head, quietly.
No one needs to know.Why would they? even if they did what would they do...those self questioning hypothetical dialogues and scene setters...they are so frequent that sometimes it feels like the actual ones have merged quite beautifully with the ones imagined, and it becomes perfect, because it becomes exactly what you wanted it to be.
But that's not the way things go.

Gradually...Then Suddenly

2010-11-16T11:06:00.000+02:00

When i was younger I fell into speed traps. It felt like being on speed. Suddenly everything would start going faster; my movements my voice my breathing my blinking!It would always happen to me when I was alone . I could always feel the speed gaining more speed and so I would always get up to experiment my pace and experience it as it fast motions into jerkiness and like a darren aronofsky movie i desperately try to catch up but I can't, I try to slow it down but i can't so I would try to refrain myself from doing anything because I don't like it being so fast. Back up and sit myself down or look for something that required detail but it would still come out fast and frantic and so I'd move onto something else and it would only confirm that i was indeed being frantic. Every time half-way through I fell into a short-lived obsession of just having to slow down. Of having to fight the speed. and just as suddenly as it had built up this momentum...It would stop. Things wouldn't slow down, things would suddenly regain their normal speed. and i'd think perhaps i almost imagined it all. Everytime.I never told anyone .I never had the words to explain it...It hasn't happened in years.

Come on Courage..

2010-11-12T11:11:00.001+02:00

Be brave.

Disregard all the terrifying thoughts ... don't let yourself be scared.

Despite the truth of how much fear you live in. Constantly. Sadly enough.

Terrified of losing a loved one. .. of being alone... having no where to go..

of standing by as more time passes and you still don't know what you want to do with your life or where you want to be.

Fear of letting yourself get sad.

Push it away.

Shrug your shoulder and let it pass.

Dismiss all the little things that pile up in your chest and make you feel so heavy.

All the signs that make it harder to breathe.

All the uncomfortable ideas and thoughts you get when you're not thinking.

Push them all out ... and try really hard to make it ok.

Even as you're exhausted..even when you feel so pathetic.

It's who you are now.

Suck it in.

Sans-Drama

2010-10-07T11:23:00.000+02:00

I've been living it minus the drama. Which consequentially, means without you. It has rendered me a calm person, yet retrieved my cheery disposition back.
I air guitar again.
I am there. It feels comfortable and familiar.
won't jump the gun though. It's only October. and by now, I'm more familiar with my habitual calendar than I would have liked.
Three months to go. Opa.

Almost there

2010-09-12T23:36:00.000+03:00

Now, my memories make me smile.
It must be time.
and I can't wait.

I want some fun

2010-08-03T19:33:00.000+03:00

I'm only half way through

2010-07-29T12:38:00.000+03:00

Not to defeat the point..but this isn't about you.
This is about the time when I will have decided to give myself that break everyone was talking about. When I will have listened to their advice about what it is I deserve and what it is I shouldn't give up on.

This is precisely about everything else.
About the 5yr set back I am experiencing, the 6 month dejavu loop I seem stuck in, and the 24 hours daily routine I am unable to break free of.

This right here, is me about to do something about it all. I'm on an edge, the edge of what i'm not sure, but it's either a step up or downfall that I've become quite familiar with.

2010-06-04T13:02:00.001+03:00

I am sorry

Noun of May: Provocation

2010-05-12T00:32:00.000+03:00

I have lost the ability to endure. That's it. Any minute now I will lose it. Say all there is to say. Brutally honest. I will slap, I will curse, I will scream.
I have become so easily and quickly provoked, by the slightest and silliest things. And it fucking hurts! It feels like something in my brain is about to explode. Like my lungs will collapse if I don't scream. Like I want to pull on the skin on my face and then snap it back into place.
I grind my teeth.
I tap my legs nervously.
I shake my head continuously like i'm in denial.
I walk back and forth pointlessly.
I say something close to bitching then shut up mid way and swallow it whole.
And more than anything else. It makes me sad, then angry, and then..just curious.

End of April..never a good month

2010-04-27T17:46:00.000+02:00

We are all a little heart broken.
We all cry on our own at times, many times i think, when we wait till no one is looking.
We're all lonely, even those of us with someone..and none of us want to be alone, at least not for as long as we find ourselves to be so.
Everyone is missing someone else...at least one.
Our mistakes haunt us all..and on one or more levels, we're all hurting. pretty much all the time, maybe sometimes subconsciously, other times, we can't shake it off.
But mostly, we all long to find someone to realize all that, without us having to really say anything...and afterwards, not necessarily do anything about it... It just helps to know you know? It helps to feel companionship, even just in sharing the mere acknowledgement.

Who By Fire

2010-04-16T12:50:00.000+02:00

Your perfume sometimes fills my head...literally. You wear too much of it and I know it too well. But this written up mediocre nonsense is not about you...It's probably about other mediocre shit in my day ranging from suspended aromas to the fact that I've been listening to Leonard Cohen for two days in a row now. But to be honest...I find no need in trying to re-order the syntax of my words, or use running sentences and obscure surrealistic metaphors to make my writing sound like anything.

However...I realized that every time I cry about anything, a little bit of the crying is about you.

Nicotine Withdrawal Syndrome

2010-03-22T01:44:00.000+02:00

Today I fell in a pendulum of thought...am I always sad but sometimes not..or am I always okay, just sometimes down? The thoughts that fill my head when I am unhappy, are these just reflections of my mental state of mind? Or are they really what I push away in times of sober happiness? Do I really feel unaccomplished and alone, am I depressed and disappointed...do I still miss you? Apparently it's all relative to where I am today on the swing, if I happen to be feeling preppy I might be satisfied and blessed..perhaps I'd even dare to feel lucky. I wouldn't miss you...I'd maybe just hope things would go back to normal between us...
Is there an element of pretense? I cringe at the thought that I might really be pretending to be okay, that my smiles have become a facade of fragile fronts that will sooner or later crack and leave me looking and feeling like a pathetic nervous wreck. I shudder at the idea that I might not be unhappy at all and that this is some sort of sick subconscious love for the emo crap. More importantly, I can't decide which lie I would rather be telling.
On the upside of things though..at least I have no one to lie to.
Just me.

But fix your eyes below, upon the ... blood, where those who injure others violently, boil."

2010-03-04T12:20:00.001+02:00

In every hell, below Earth or roaming it...is a demon cursed with delusion.. delirium.. insanity.
His demon-ways are not only a torment for others, they're mostly torment for him.
The thing about this curse is, it's self inflicted.
The only thing this demon lives for, in a hell that is his very own, are vivid imaginations of everything he can never have..things he never sees but fill his eyes, and memories he never had that cloud his mind. For "What power would Hell have if those imprisoned were not able to dream of Heaven?"

This demon lives his hell everywhere. His insanity is ugly because it's tangible, you see it in faulty steps down the stairs...crazed punches against the green and quiet self-fought arguments. His eyes daze like a mad man and his moves are jerky and filled with shakes. Those who fear this demon the most are the ones involved in his insanity. The ones he dreams about and lusts for. His delusion can envelop them, and swallow them whole. For they become a mere fragment of his imagination, a dreamed up companion to play with, to touch, to spawn, or to kill. To label angels or whores...to fall in love with or to despise.

He is one of the ugliest, scariest demons there are, because he looks so much like a human, layered deep under a demonic mindless being.

105LE of Blue Alcohol

2010-03-03T14:29:00.001+02:00

All these useless thoughts resounding in our heads. All of us.Utterly useless..we never do anything about it except just push it aside to think about it some time later, some inappropriate time later, like when we're having fun or watching a movie or lying flat on our backs in the savasana position and dropping our brains to the floor.
A mixture of lies and self imposed guilt trips and victimizing and blame placing and regretting...I mean the depressed of us out there think like that...we long for a break out of the dark side yet corner ourselves into those miserable thoughts like when we miss those who are no longer ours to miss and stirr up feelings of disgust or anger towards whatever and whoever. Useless!
Can't find a better word really.
We dwell, like idiots looking for a corner in a circle...we just keep looping in our heads and hearts and expect to find something. Never knowing what the fuck is sought for in the first place. Peace of mind perhaps. Just like those who fight for peace.. a fucking paradox.
The endless waiting..
for closure, self-composure. or a coincidence we await in fear! Which is incomprehensible! what the fuck are we waiting for? something unlikely to happen that we're worried will happen and worried about what will happen when it happens! We're fucking idiots!!!!
Whatever it is that got us here, whoever you are..and I. The cause is of little significance, and the effect ... is insurmountable in damage and erosion.
Just chug.

2010-02-18T19:28:00.001+02:00

I am stupid for thinking you're my anonymous.
Stupid stupid stupid

End of the World

2010-02-08T08:42:00.000+02:00

Every now and then I get hooked on a song... this one sings for the time being...

Don't you forget what I've told you
So many years
We are hopeless and slaves to our fears
We're an accident called human beings

Don't be angry for loving the baby
And say it's unreal
So many lives turned to salt
Like roses who're hiding their thorns

It's the end of the world
The end of the world
It's a prison for dreams and for hopes
And still we believe there is God
It's the end of the world
The end of the world
We're dead but pretend we're alive
Full of ignorance, fools in disguise

In your room doing nothing
But staring at flickering screens
Streets are empty, but still you can hear
Joy of children turning to tears

Disease hides around every corner
Quiet, lay still
Wait for a moment to hear
We forgot what is touch, what to feel

It's the end of the world
The end of the world
It's a prison for dreams and for hopes
And still we believe there is God
It's the end of the world
The end of the world
We're dead but pretend we're alive
Full of ignorance, fools in disguise

Take this pill, it will make you feel dizzy
And then give you wings
Soon, boy, you'll fall into sleep
Without nightmares, without any fears

If you wake up in hell or in heaven
Tell the angels we're here
Waiting below for a dream
Here in the garden of sin

It's the end of the world
The end of the world
It's a prison for dreams and for hopes
And still we believe there is God
It's the end of the world
The end of the world
We're dead but pretend we're alive
Full of ignorance, fools in disguise

Frame Error

2010-01-26T18:16:00.001+02:00

The amount of times my brain manages to re-enact our story is sinful. Few memories, stretched over maybe more months than there actually was, my cognitive apt is proving pathetic. All the memories are edited to your advantage...because you sure as hell look good in replay.
Oh the mind games I play with myself; this time line just hasn't been long enough for all the anger to have subsided and leave me with everything else.

I want my anger back.

I.Am.Coward

2009-12-28T10:15:00.001+02:00

i was a coward when I opted for this blog here, a so called outlet, for the feelings i didnt have the courage to feel.
For love i never confessed. Times of intense remorse and sadness that i covered up and denied. People i missed but couldn't tell.
and now, i am doing the same thing.
I can go up to your face and tell you.
Instead Ill 'blog' about it here, and your memory and my longing for it will fill more posts for another to read.
and probably walk away, threatened by you.

2009-12-27T16:02:00.002+02:00

I feel like shit.

oh..and I still miss you.

This song should have been sung differently

2009-12-25T01:17:00.000+02:00

"Did you get my message, the one I left
While I was trying to condense everything that I meant
In a minute or less when I called to confess
...
Did you get my message, you didn't I guess
'cuz if you did you would have called me with your sweet intent
and we could give it a rest
'stead of beating my breast
making all of the pressure go sky-high
...

Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send
Do they bend, do they break from the flight that they take
And come back together again with a whole new meaning
In a brand new sense, completely unrelated to the one I sent
....
But whether or not if my message you got was too much or a lot to reply
Why not try this for a fact
Should you ever come back I’d relax and be relieved
of all my panic attacks
...
Now the moment is passed
Not much sand in the 'glass and I’m standing to lose my mind
...
To the matter of our love's defense,
at least be sympathetic to the time I spent "
Jason Mraz

2009-12-22T16:45:00.001+02:00

i miss you

I pity the fool

2009-12-12T17:06:00.000+02:00

I don't have much to say, and perhaps it's best I didn't say anything then. yet I want to write, and it's been a while since I experienced such an urge, I might as well put it to use while I can.
The other day I got quite sick and got into my bors position to try to elevate some of the pain in my stomach. It didn't work. I was undergoing brain regurgitation of every other time I had felt this way before. I don't know why, I am by nature not a being who enjoys pain whether emotional or physical, and in both cases my body doesn't handle it well. Hence the nausea and sweat breaks.
Nonetheless, I spent 6 and a bit hours just going over these times in my mind, maybe I was trying to prove to myself that such times do pass, but mostly I think I was feeling sorry for myself.
That was exactly it.
I cried so much, and admitted to myself all kinds of truths that were long overdue, I allowed myself feelings of guilt, sadness, vulnerability, weakness, victimization, pain, and overwhelming loneliness.
I allowed myself to cry for as long as my body was able to.
Most importantly I sat by and let myself get scared. I usually am told that I am resilient, and I know it to be true. This time I didn't think of pulling through, I just thought of sulking, remaining right where i am and really feeling it. Cut the bullshit about how strong I am.
Yes I do long for goodness. So fucking what!?
I do expect a certain level of 'nice' from people and when I don't get it, I really don't like them very much!
I am tired of those times when I sit in my bed feeling sick to my stomach because of how sad I really am.
In truth...I just don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to let anything make me this sad. Nothing is worth it. I just need to start believing that.

Happy Thanking..and Thanks Giving

2009-11-27T13:04:00.003+02:00

I'm thankful for this entire year. Thankful for experiencing so much love and being capable of feeling so much for someone, despite thinking i've turned cold or numb or jaded.

Thankful for having found enough motivation to keep trying, and for not having given up. Thankful for the job that balanced out so much for me, introduced me to you, and kept me from going insane.

Thankful for my health, for a year that's went by smoothly and strongly. I am well and I am feeling well.

Thankful for my family's health, for the blessing of such a wonderful new life into this little family that could use a few more members.

Thankful for the friends I made this year, I met so many new interesting people that added so much to my life.

I am truly grateful and thankful for every experience underwent this year. For every trip i made and novelty i ventured.

I am thankful for getting the chance to meet old friends that I hadn't seen in some time, and for them being well and healthy too.

This year I feel blessed with good luck, good fortune, love, family, friendship, experience, wisdom, adventures and lots of new learnt things.

Thankful that at this very moment, I feel special, loved, taken care of, successful, motivated, beautiful, loving, and most importantly... like i belong.

Thankful that at this very moment, I am with my mother, and she is healthy and strong. Rabena yekhaleehaly weytawely fi 3omraha.

Thank You for such a blessed year. You truly work in wonderful, mysterious ways.

Words of the year

2009-11-22T13:22:00.002+02:00

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Time to Pretend - MGMT

No going back

2009-11-22T02:41:00.002+02:00

I am thankful for the intensity of my emotions when you left. It was like I mourned you.

Because now that I have moved on.

I have.

Completely.

Paint the walls with my brain

2009-11-17T21:05:00.004+02:00

Perhaps this is what growing up is really about..the exhaustion that comes with repetitive matter.

I know it sounds naive coming from a 20something year old...who pretty much doesn't know jack shit about real exhaustion. But maybe it's a maturing process. I find myself instantly knowing what I want to avoid and what to seek. I find myself saddened by things that just won't change despite my efforts and in spite of me entirely. I find myself frustrated with mistakes that unfold the same way as the ones before them, confused by why the outcome isn't different even as I approach things with novelty.

Perhaps I lack perspective, or creativity. Maybe I am a lot more limited than I thought and continue to get myself into the same sticky situations with the same consequential events. Maybe I just have a bad learning curve.

Perhaps I'm just tired..and I need a break.

Isaiah 40:31

2009-10-25T17:20:00.000+02:00

But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

2009-10-23T13:35:00.003+02:00

I have consumed your every description. of her, of yourself, of you together. I have sat and observed your every wrinkle and bend and your face reminds me of one i have come to adore and despise. Your scent, so obtrusive and violent, offends my loneliness. offends my being, the one I have come to so delicately protect, and desperately maintain.

Then I read what you had to say, once with admiration, another with such awe..many times your words bred violence to my dreams and inclinations towards life, mostly, two days ago, your words, so untrimmed and ugly, like hair growing out of one's mouth or eyes, suffocating and quite blinding, choked me as I read and sobbed violently. As I read and felt the little emotional relevance turn into physical warfare. Reeling in slow motion across my face, my brain processed the words over and over and over again, speaking them to my ears and showing them to my eyes and slapping around something inside my chest, that was translated to me into pathetic attempts to take my breath and quiet myself down.

Immortalized like so many similar statements before, my infant memory must coexist with this one too.

You are so naive.

2009-10-19T17:56:00.003+02:00

Kefaya Tanazolat.

Consequences of your actions will always catch up with you.

You never choose who you love.

I repeat the same mistakes...still.

Alone is not so bad.

Some people just don't offer me anything anymore...am I wrong to await an offer?

Some thoughts just never leave.

Some Sadness never stops.

I would miss you even if you never existed.

The artwork in your face inspires me.

Too many cigarettes.

I don't own a pair of converse yet.

Addicted

music is becoming so boring

I fell out of love with my phone, yet I still love you.

Not enough fruits

Mirror conversations still occur.

Car conversations still occur too.

Moisturize more

Make babies

Less weight

More color

Quieter

A little more honesty

Back hurts

Where did the family members go?

I can't go to Taboula again..ever!

I want beer~!

I do not like chewing gum

But i want some

Enough things

More cupboard space needed

More shelves needed for more books to be bought

Highlights

Haircuts

step in puddles

car stereo

Tabeekh

Mekyaj

I want to wander around bra-less forever.

Go for a run

Say it

repetition

routine

old laptop

dying laptop

Chrome themes

google wave my fucking ass

creative?

pluck eye brows

less constant

paperback

soundtracks

loveless marriage

yellowing teeth

bad back

costumes

alcoholic

imaginations and hallucinations.

Crawling on all fours

make coffee

alfein wi tis3a.

2009-10-11T15:32:00.002+02:00

Last December, on my birthday in Ras Shetan, I had my tarrot cards read. I was told I would have a fruitful year, that new life would come into my family. I was told there would be love. There would be success. There would be realization of direction and meaning.

I remember feeling happy that day, feeling bright and cheerful about 2009, with open arms...I waited like it would seriously be a year I will never forget, in a good way.

I always thought I wouldn't get to this age, I always lacked the imagination beyond college, hell two years into it kaman. I thought ya, sure I wanna be a journalist. But i never imagined living to graduate or to work, and even now, to marry and become a mother. BUT...I always knew, that 23 would be my year. I would be at the top of my game.

Recalling new year's eve this year, and what a disaster it was and how pathetic I felt that night, and alone and angry and weak, and wondering if this is the perfect ending for 2008. Kanit sana bent weskha.

On the 1st of January, 2009, I had an awesome day, I got a new job, my mom was in town, I had missed her so much and I was feeling like I have this family again. We even had turkey this year. Mom is never around for christmas to cook turkey.

I have at least one blog entry for every month to date. I have had severe ups and downs, I got very sick and recovered. Lost my job, and got a new one. Fell out with friends and made new ones. and got sick again, and lost some more friends.

fe3lan...this year gave me strength. This year I went through about, urm, 2 beautiful months I will never forget, 4 really HORRID depressing and truly unhappy ones, and 3 stable, successful months, the 4th of which is almost half way through.

I was blessed with new life into my family. I even realized how much I want a family of my own too.

I am finally doing something I enjoy, and feel accomplished doing it.

I wrote some of my best and worst. I gained courage and acceptance. I am regretting far less things with far less frequency.

Up until maybe May, I kept wondering how this is my year. By July I figured, hmm, dee bent weskha heya kaman...In September, I didn't think much of it.

Last week, I reflected and really smiled.

Imbari7, I thanked God, I breathed with relief, and I felt overwhelmingly blessed.

Last month, In Ras Shetan, I had my playing cards read. I was promised a wish coming true. I was told I will be okay... That I will hear good news soon. Love was almost a certainty even..

Wallahy wi malo...khir..kolo khir..

Fee nas keteera fashkh halit 3alaya ma3 2009, and I love them.

Ya rab te3ady 3ala khir.

I just don't know what to do...

2009-10-08T00:11:00.000+02:00

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Nephew Novelty

2009-09-23T00:41:00.002+02:00

ilnaharda ana ba2eit khala!

i am the proud auntie of one Chris Ihab George Aziz, born 4:02 pm CDT on the 22nd of September 2009. Making him a Libra, the first day of Libra kaman!

My new, and only baby nephew...Welcome to the world baby, I love you already! always and forever...

God bless you bo2loz...u'll always be bo2loz to me!

A feast of friends..

2009-09-17T18:10:00.000+02:00

Wow, I'm sick of doubt
Live in the light of certain
South
Cruel bindings.
The servants have the power
Dog-men and their mean women
Pulling poor blankets over
Our sailors

I'm sick of dour faces
Staring at me from the TV
Tower, I want roses in
My garden bower; dig?
Royal babies, rubies
Must now replace aborted
Strangers in the mud
These mutants, blood-meal
For the plant that's plowed.

They are waiting to take us into
The severed garden
Do you know how pale and wanton thrillful
Comes death on a strange hour
Unannounced, unplanned for
Like a scaring over-friendly guest you've
Brought to bed
Death makes angels of us all
And gives us wings
Where we had shoulders
Smooth as raven's
Claws

No more money, no more fancy dress
This other kingdom seems by far the best
Until it's other jaw reveals incest
And loose obedience to a vegetable law.

I will not go
Prefer a Feast of Friends
To the Giant Family.

I am you..see?

2009-09-12T16:31:00.001+02:00

you've changed me, as much as i hate to admit it, you have.

you've made me wary, jaded, cautious, you've conditioned me to look out, for your tricks and mind games and ulterior motives. I am confused by you, and in turn I am sure you’re confused by me too.

You...you turned me into this weak little creature, who has to let go of what she wants, and settle for something less, because it's what you will allow her. This little girl scared of love and scared of wanting...because all she ever wanted was you. Fully to your knowledge too, but why not customize, why not pick and choose, why not take what you want, and reserve what you might later on.

I am this way now with you, because of you. Because our arguments seem to be your window of opportunity, to hurt me. Like we can't debate without you intentionally seeking to say painful words, or refer to painful memories/experiences. You never pass a chance to say I told you so, ever so self-righteously, you bore me, I am bored and apathetic with you, because of you!

I am selfish because you taught me, through personal experience, that you come before all. That nothing matters but what you want, when you want it, despite who you're stepping over or neglecting. You said it yourself remember, you have no concept of giving, only taking..you taught me that, but I actually like it, this change I like...thank you.

You trained me to think with my mind, disregard my heart, you told me the mind is something i could control, that the pain i feel in my chest and in the pit of my stomach is just my mind. You actively turned me into a colder person, then asked me for warmth. I'm sorry, I do not have it.

Being around you so much rubbed off on me I guess. I guess I am now more cynical, more intolerant...

Your complaining has turned me impatient, uninterested..I am sorry

Your cruelty has turned me off, your insanity makes me tiresome, your mood swings make me motion sick, your distance makes me needy; your lack of clarity makes me want to stop squinting, and just look away.

You have made me the way I am today. I'm not blaming you, but don't you blame me.

Yen3ad 3alikom..lewa7dokom.

2009-08-25T12:22:00.001+02:00

I'm gonna come right out and say it. I hate ramadan.
I hate how people drive like maniacs just because they're fasting. I hate how I'm given weird looks when people realise i'm not fasting, like I am by default a Muslim, and the automatic assumption is that I'm not fasting, ana fatra! 3ala wazn kafra..like there's absolutely no room for possibility that I might be of a different religion?!

I hate it when I walk into cafe's during the fast hours and worry that the waiters will spit in my food because they give me the worst fucking attitude. I don't know, but if you feel like it's such torture to wait on me while you're fasting, then either grow some balls or QUIT! But seriously people, if you're fasting wenta mitkadar awy kida, i'm sure it doesn't COUNT for shit!

we ba3dein ta3laly hina! ana hafatarak!??!!! when you look at me, or shake my hand or kiss me on the cheek. ana hafatarak? leih ya khay? qonbela zareya genseya wala i'm oozing sexuality that you actualy can't control yourself and your perverted mind?!

we ba3din eh ma3na el kelma dee uslan? HAFATARAK? I will single handedly break your fast? Your fast that assumingly has a higher meaning, that revolves around concepts like self-control and empathy and purity and strength and devotion and prayer and spirituality etc. Am I going to force feed you? Am I going to deviate all your thoughts to impure ones when we shake hands and say good morning. What is this utter stupidity? You stand there and decide that I'm some sort of dirty, impure being, that will break your fast, so you better avoid me, and sit there on the chair and read your Qur'an all day long till it's time to stuff your face. Great. well, thanks, i'll sit here and wait for the O holy month of Ramadan to pass until you grace me with your real I'm-ok-with-my-perverted-self again.

I hate how getting food is difficult, how the country goes dead till 6, I hate how when you slow your car down people run at you thinking you'll give out food or drinks, I hate how everyone says Ramadan Kareem to me while all I feel is greed and gluttony.

I hate how people are cranky all the time, and some don't brush their teeth. I hate how people complain all the time about how much they want a cig. or a cup of coffee. I hate how facebook statuses turn into declarations of hunger like you have never before in your life spent that much time without eating, be it cuz u're running errands, or you're busy, or u're on a trip somewhere, or u're fasting for ramadan.

I hate how Greek club is closed and all the pubs have a dry month and I hate how everyone has to comply to the fasting month, like there's no one else in the country but the fasters. FEE GHIRKOM FIL BALAD WALAHYYY!!!

I Hate it. I'm sorry, no offense. I know this is not everyone, and i'm not generalizing. But this is the majority of people surrounding me.
Ramadan is not Kareem. Ramadan is annoying and slow and lame and misunderstood and manipulated and ruined. Forever!

Kol sana wento tayebeen. Bas ana mish shayfa ay teeba leghayit delwa2ty.

ya3!

2009-08-08T10:59:00.003+03:00

On thursday night I was met with a strange and seemingly unnatural level of hormonal disruptance. The men were all just too horny.

That said, I might have been overly sensitive towards their remarks or looks or puppy-like tailing of me around the house, however, it was insightful, and that much is sufficient for my discomfort at the moment.

Because I finally saw some truth to the arguments brought up by the conservatives in my life. The ones who said don't be around drinking men and don't go to house parties and don't wear shirts that flatter your breasts or pants that outline your body. I sound almost ridiculous to myself but I can't help it. The strangers, perhaps I can justify their behavior, considering maybe they were just confused or felt lucky that night or something or are by nature complete retards. But the friends...what a fucking shame!

You stand there and call yourself a man while you can't even handle your drinking.

You lose all sensibility and responsibility and stand there trying to corner me with a fucking hug or 'platonic' kiss. You want to dance with me but seem adament on feeling my ass with your hands and pulling me closer to you while I clearly push you away!

Or perhaps you insist on following me and sitting next to me everytime I move around and use the loud music as a sequential reason to you speaking right into my neck!

I don't know what the fuck you are thinking when you throw a comment like offering me to eat you if i happen to be hungry or make it known that you are actually consciously trying to pick me up!

Or lose your brain completely and stand there shouting at the top of your lungs, offending not just my friends but yourself and everything that goes with it, and if I allow myself to be around you, while you're this stupid as a drunk, then I lose my self respect for not walking away. Garbage!

Silly me for thinking we're all civilized adults, who can socialize together and chill and have a few drinks, without being stolen from, without being groped, without being sleazily hit on and definitely without being offended with drunken slurrs coming out of your shithole!

Where have the men gone? seriously?

Why have they all sold out to their dicks?!

What happened to the men who will look out for their female friends and treat them with respect and actually have some self-respect of their own!

يا خسارة الرجالة

:)

2009-07-14T16:12:00.000+03:00

That time in Sokhna when we sat on a small island and laid flat on our backs and smoked the day away.
That time in Sinai when I saw a shooting star and I was the only person in the world.
When you sat next to me watching Yes Man and waited for me to laugh so that you can be relieved.
When we did yoga on the beach and made absolute fools of ourselves and played ‘masaka’ by the water.
That week I spent with you and my mom thought it was ‘too much indulgence’
That day in the water when we jumped off the boat and ate burgers and danced like kids around a bottle of grey goose.
When we woke up and had spread cheese on toast and smoked shisha and played pool.
The time I stayed over in Casablanca and we jumped on the bed in the morning and drank beer on the beach and jumped off the bridge and ate feteer at night.
The day I came over and you held my face in front of the mirror and I stood next to the couch and gave a presentation of how you step inside my bubble!
The first time I saw the lunar eclipse and we spent the night on the ramp and watched with my binoculars and you humored me as I thought it was so cool!
The day we went up el tagamo3 and played football in the gas station by the car wash.
When I picked you and the band up and went to GUC and asked you to sign on my arm! Green Apple.
When we went to the pyramids and got lost and listened to Christmas carols and realized tourists don’t have anything to complain about and had to change our entire project!
When you sent me the card in school in the anonymous senders’ box and it was the biggest and coolest valentine card I ever got.
When I gave you a kiss before I left Kuwait and told you I will always miss you.
When you came over and mom offered you VSOP and you laughed at her but drank anyway.
When I picked you up and we drove back to Sinai and you mixed the baccardi and I kept screaming inside the echo circle
When you picked me up and took me home and as I cried you explained to my mother how you were on my side and how you thought I was right.
We drove around marghani like 8 times before you took me to karvin to cheer me up and listen to me bitch about my boss.
You walked behind me down st.fatima road singing “when she smiles”
You took me to the pyramids at night and then that zoo-like place and showed me things I hadn’t seen before.
When you called me up and said we’d go on Saturday because you knew how much I wanted to go, and we had the coolest ride to and back.
When you did your moonwalk imitation and sang smooth criminal in Falaki.
You and me outside the car roof trying to take a picture.
All of you over at my place dancing and drinking and making me feel like that horrible week I went through was really over.
The night we spent before your wedding dancing and taking tequila shots and I realized how much I love you and how much I will miss you.
Waking you up in the morning and waiting for you to come downstairs every weekend for an entire summer
Walking back with my bags to have the two of you ask if I’m staying, raise your arms victory style and told me I can stay in your hut
Waiting for you at the airport, in disbelief of how much I missed you.
Our tree
When you took me to the jazz festival
That time we went to the cinema and you came on your bike and I gave you that gift before I left to the US
The first time I saw you again and you told me I was a good driver and you never realized how nervous I was.
When we went to deals zamalek and you shared the pop corn with her and looked at me and laughed.
When you showed up on my first day to work even as I knew it was one of the toughest days of your life.
You in the passenger’s seat of my dad’s car at 9 am in the morning, and after i chugged my beer, you asking me why I’m upset, that if he upset me you’d kill him
That day SIFE presented in the graduation ceremony and you came to my place and drove my mom’s car to university.
The day we ate the ‘weed’ bread and we laughed so hard we cried and I made you curse and we wanted to pee so bad!
The day you told me I was flawless.
The day in the car when I told you I never used to like you but now I am so incredibly loving you and you felt exactly the same way and we laughed!
The time you sent me the first message from your sexy new phone, and a couple of weeks later I sent you my first message from my sexy new phone :)
When you sent me a message out of the blue telling me we should have a snow ball fight and I told you I wanted to play tawla with you.
When you spent the night over as we wrote your note and we were laughing like idiots.
When you and I sat on the bench in the middle of MIU crying and hugging eachother , lol
The day you got me the guitar and left it on my bed to find after the birthday
Everytime you got in my car and pushed the car seat backwards and got out and showed me the crack!
The time you told me I can travel with you and your girlfriends and my parents said ok!
When you drove all the way to see me because I was having a bad day
The time when we were in the kitchen and you turned and looked at me and said you were happy.
When you and I and Dad were in the water and it was sunset and it was perfect.
The africana party , you wearing my wrap and looking fucking sexy!
The three of us singing system of a down and being stalked by KaKa!
YOU TAKING ME TO ALEXANDRIA!

Da bas mabda2eyan kida...

Must run

2009-06-22T10:52:00.002+03:00

There's an urgency to get my thoughts out into words just as I am running out of time. I'm almost panting over the keyboard and imagining myself to be formulating these dark and striking statements that will live on longer than a facebook note or a virtual tweet. I haven't sat down and let this happen in a while but this morning I have been bashed on the head with this pathetic man who thinks if he breathes heavily enough into the mouth piece I will ask him to screw me on the phone or better yet meet up and do it! True, I am really running late at this point and I'm not sure why I'm letting myself continue to keep my legs crossed and my fingers go back and forth across the keys, but the thing is, I'm baffled. I'm baffled by yesterday's game, and by the prank caller who had the nerve to video call me, and the amazing man who's being taken for granted and being treated like SHIT! By the road system in zamalek and the water works in heliopolis and the red grapes that he bought just for me...it's been so long since someone was so sweet to me I forgot the protocol on that one. Or by the sudden loss of so many things upon his departure, and the desperation for another's return. I will not explain nor intentionally complicate, I shall just breathe into my mouth then out of my lips and send these words bouncing up until they float down and surround my feet and cover my toes' nail polish. I am really, very late.

Mindful suicides

2009-06-10T02:08:00.007+03:00

In principle, I am brave. I am also outspoken and determined. Technically, I will fight for you because I love you, and I will win this race and get that promotion. In essence, I am what I claim to be, without suggestions or assumptions. No confusions either. Clear cut, bordered, perfect silhouttes of my intentions and insatiable attempts to save my face infront of myself.

Conclusively, I tire of the distractions and disappointments and deviations. I find myself continously exhausted at this state of loss. Loss of motivation and interest and passion. Preoccupied by stooping levels of intelligence and quality.

I lack principle, technicality and essence. I can't find it. No. I can't.

Move on, I said, you have bigger fish to fry...

2009-05-26T00:32:00.004+03:00

Perhaps I have been quite the accomplishment measurer...seeking accomplishments for self fulfillment issues and such. However lately I've been on a losing streak, and so, such accomplishments have been rare and my self esteem hasn't been exactly on a high. What do they tell us when we're still young and impressionable? Well nothing really, they didn't tell me anything. I kept telling them, I kept telling myself too. I'd become something real fancy, perhaps not rich, perhaps I wouldn't necessarily discover something like that or go down in history, but I'd have accomplished things by a young age. I'd have gone places and seen things and made differences. This ofcourse helped push me along dreadful times of exams and projects and papers. This motivation to finish this stupid dictation of mindless education and make it on my own!

4 years of dreadful university going. I made the most of it, I equipped myself for greatness, promising myself that this is all paving my path of success. Yes this was all me doing things and I'm not even started, see? This was all just an indication of what I am yet to become! ...well...I graduated ..top of my class ..high honors...recommendations...references...job offers in a matter of days. So I gave it a go....9 months later it was a done deal. I wasn't happy, I wasn't fulfilled, I had a nice office, sexy laptop, big leather chair...it paid so well...but what was I doing there? This is not what I promised myself, this is not what I want...a 9-5 job and a big fat pay check? Stuck behind an office feeling useless and stooged.

Little did they tell me, wait no, I won't blame it on them, but I honestly saw no warning signs that this would be such a dry fucking pond! NO FISH!?! No fish to even fish for in order to catch in order to fry!

So I'm sitting here, with my rod and line and bait, keeping quiet, waiting for a big fish to hook on. The river looks so still it's almost morbid. I feel like time is endless, I feel like I'm stranded on an island and my only chance at surviving is catching that fish that will be my food for the night. I feel like the sun has been scorching my forehead n shoulders and my back hurts and my eyes have been squinting for so long and I'm so thirsty and I'm just so unbelievably bored!

It's almost mid fucking year...!!!

2009-05-24T11:35:00.004+03:00

Running out of time, gonna do this...

Say no when I mean it done.
Be honest done.
laugh more done.
cry less
take it easy
get a tattoo
get a piercing
travel 4 times down, at least 20 more to go!
expect less Oh ya...
stand up for what I want/believe/feel done.
work hard out of my hands el sara7a, lol
party more and i have the pictures to prove it, lol
take care of my skin mish batal
eliminate the drama commendable effort!
look after my health
drive less done.
create something
read at least 12 books 4 down
watch less tv done.
charity
draw more
write more done.
learn about cars
practice photography couldn't go as far as titling photography
redecorate my room done.
lower my voice done.
don't pick up habits does aywa ba2a count? lol
stop apologizing after a sneeze mostly done.
chew slower done.
maintain eye contact done.
learn more about spirituality
buy more books done.done.done.
pamper myself done.
hook up with old friends no but i made so many new ones! lol
call mom and miray more done.
hire someone to clean :S
transcend done.
exit plan...
Learn the harmonica
haircut
check up

to be continued & updated..

sigh..

Wonderwalling...

2009-05-15T12:24:00.003+03:00

Today is gonna be the day that it's gonna be thrown back to me, and by now I will have somehow realized what i gotta do....because I don't think anybody feels the way you do about me now

and April is finally fucking over!!!!!!!

2009-05-01T10:23:00.003+03:00

Pretences and played games and severed emotional ties that continue to tie me down just because things work that way. Prayers for mercy and strength. So much -fake-. So much -crazy-. So much -pain-. So much -Disease-. I wasn't desperately waiting for this month to end as I have been waiting for others. I did wait for one certain week to end, and remembered that there were only so many weeks there for me to wish for their end...smile...Anyways, this month was really...just very, very, long.

one stolen night away from it all, occasionally interrupted with the failure of the cell network to permanently disappear, but perfection annd new found appreciation for a prism of lights and song.

Two full swigs of danska to my lips, elixir induced laughter that soon turned into anonymous tears and a slurred plea for me to go home.

three hour flights to and back from a game they like to play each year around Easter time, feeling out of place and out of reality and surrounded by utter and stupid denial.

four days of death cheats and stress signals and sensless driving...too fast...too far...

April was originally supposed to be the second month not the fourth! and March the first...and so i've been stuck in a loop of annual beginnings!!!!!!!

Tinkerbell's haircut

My sexy slutty new phone

The 3afreeta

Consecutive nights of exessive drinking

one night of exessive dancing

10 things i've never seen before

Fell in love with a baby bump

Transcended

Resumed relations with a very dear and old friend

Drove that E like there was no tomorrow!

My sexy slutty new phone!

The Gist...

2009-04-30T10:36:00.010+03:00

It's that time of the year again when my voice disappears on me. I'll usually cough and clear my throat continuously, then move to the stage when I'll like hearing myself talk 'cause I think I sound kinda sexy, then it's starts sounding annoying...I sound wheezy... (which is how i think sound now) and soon enough it starts hurting, before it goes completely, and a while later starts resurfacing and making it's way through these afore mentioned steps backwards.

Some songs haunt me when I'm feeling a certain way, and it's almost like the shuffle Gods conspire against me, and do not approve of my distraction techniques, and so decide to take advantage of every chance to remind me of what I'm trying to desperately push aside. Make that ANYTHING i'm trying to push aside..Specifically when songs I never really paid attention to start playing and low and behold I can suddenly make out every word and every word is relative and I feel like a bottle of pills that came to life just after a prescription was read.

I've also grown increasingly concerned with the wisdom behind Karma. Because it just can't work like that. At some point we'll get stuck with an imbalance, or actually a perfect balance, and it will not be about karma anymore. Because if the rule says it's cause and effect, then at some point cause will meet cause and the effect will be static. Or equally, effect and effect will clash and there will be no reason behind it. Yet I find myself judging different circumstances with this Karmic equation. Is this a cause of something I have done before, or is it yet to cause an effect and become someone else's cause?

My mind...my mind reserves the right to interrupt me whenever it pleases. At times with quite useful insight, others with the most useless rants, like now. I swing together with it like we're on a pendulum ride, swinging...swinging in perfect physics...but I just can't find equilibrium.

On Sunday I met with a big spider, one of those really light ones, I think it could fly. My arachnophobia kicked in full gear when I turned my head to the right to look outside the car window and there he/she was. Right infront of my nose. I think that might have been what triggered my voice loss because I screamed! I mean I had a knife pulled up in my face and I had an entire glass door shatter one inch away from me and a 25 car pile up almost catching up with my car, but I wait till I see a Spider to start screaming...besides my point... The French believe in a certain foretelling capacity in spiders ...apparently they're signs of good luck!! the bigger the spider the better the luck!!!! So I'm inclined to believe that because I desperately need that...and since we never found it to kill it, the good luck is still applicable.

Salvador Dali's "Spider of the Evening...Hope" 1940

Flying with you...I smile

2009-04-25T11:25:00.005+03:00

Fine, after your nagging, ever so silently, I gave in and opened the window and picked up my magic carpet and prepared for flight. You didn't have to say much, I knew you wanted to see it, and try it out. I couldn't refrain, I mean who else would I take on a magic carpet ride besides you!? Judging by your smile, which was pasted on your face for the entire ride, I think you loved every minute of it. I did too. Did you notice? I didn't look down at all, hell, I hardly looked at anything but you. You looked beautiful and it felt so safe letting you drive. I know it was my magic carpet, but I thought I'd let you drive so I can just lay back and enjoy. You had a childlike half serious excitment about you, studying the weavings underneath your feet...the knots, the corners...the print...you kept running your fingers over the silk, over and over, pressing down on it and scratching it with your fingertips, making hints of circles and shapes and marking a path on it as the fabric was moved in the opposite direction. Like a wake created after your fingertips. I can still feel it ripple.

Listening hard

2009-04-22T14:15:00.005+02:00

Feeling down brings me to new levels of frantic. I frantically look around me for distractions or hope or feel-good anythings. Last week, I sat down with an open frantic heart listening to a man talk about what it means to go through difficult times. perhaps it was due to his monalisa quality, or the fact that i was desperate, or maybe because I was right infront of him, but amidst the hundreds listening, it felt like he was speaking to me. Like he captured every scared pain inside my head and held it up there on the podium, showing it to everyone and then giving it to the first person on the first row to take a look and pass it around. I sat there watching everyone look at it and eye it and turn it over and under...and pass it on.

I felt small and crouched. I felt weak and insignificant. At times I cried and he saw it and spoke up, other times I listened and felt myself getting better.

I learnt lessons, its been such a long time since i've met someone who shared with me a lesson to learn, and I accepted it and saw the wisdom in it. It felt so good.

I've seen and heard somethin special and I'll try to remember it for as long as I can.

13*

2009-04-14T11:58:00.010+02:00

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye...you know, I still tear up when I listen to this? Crazy huh? I still get angry a little too.

Whatever though, this is not what I'm writing this for.I was remembering this one time you called me and asked me not to do it. You asked me to try and to fight it and I kept quiet. I didn't. It felt right to let it win. anyways the other day when you called and I listened to the entire thing, I kept quiet too...Songs!! songs!!! All these songs!! So many meanings and tunes on this exquisite soundtrack You and Me always had. It works...I just don't know how but it does, and for a while I feel simply ok and my mind draws blanks and you turn the volume up and kiss my head. Since you're one of the very very few, and very first dedicated readers I have, I wanted to send you a smile and a thank you and tell you I'm lucky I ever met you!! I can afford to be a little romantic and corny since it's been a while, lol :P

So since yesterday I couldn't pick up at all, this is one day off the mark but I know you'll be ok with that anyhow.

Here's to me neither, and the stuffed bunny, and getting dressed because i'm picking you up, and wanting to put this on repeat and so much more!!!!!

You've been a special force in my life, and always managed to let me know that I've been one in yours...

Good Riddance!

2009-04-09T02:43:00.004+02:00

Hmm..today? I dunno about today. It felt good to think about something else for a change. But it was silly when I stopped to realize how long it had been since I had thought about it last. Does that beat the point? I don't know.

At night I learnt something. I was right. I was actually given solid results of just how right i was. The certainty that came with this realization tonight, hurt me alot more than I thought it would. Especially since i've been convincing myself I was right for the past month, or wow, even more now. Which was shocking to me...because I thought I would have prepared myself for this very situation. But no, silly little me, disappointed you didn't prove me wrong. How I hoped you would.

Anyways...at least now I can work on wrapping my head around this truth, instead of trying to believe that it was the truth...and then hoping and praying it wasn't, then acknowledging it might be...then denying it could...over, and over and over, like its almost motion sickening.

It's the story of my life.

but you know what...that's just ok...because I was seeing it coming anyway. Which at the end of the day, is motivation for me to listen to myself next time with a little faith!

Meh...

Thought 2..3..and 4

2009-04-07T12:37:00.003+02:00

Running was the easy part. I am fast, my legs carry me and I know nothing could catch up. It was catching my breath that send stabs of pain through my side. It's almost like I wanted to stop breathing, or keep running.

But when I looked up I knew I was so close. I had to keep going, just three floors. That was all there was to it. Three floors, a key in the lock and I'd be ok again. Stitch or no stitch. I will be ok if i get up there.

But because i found the second apartment door on the first floor ajar, I went in. I don't know why the fuck I did but I did. Maybe I thought I was too tired and had I kept going I would have collapsed somewhere between the second and third floor and it would have all gone to waste. What I don't know, but ya, anyway, I walked in.

Right in there, on that black leather couch, i took off my cloak, my mask, and sat next to him and lifted his arm up to put around my shoulder so I can rest my back. I didn't need to catch my breath anymore, it was all there. I tilted my head and fell asleep.

When I woke up his hand was under my shirt. I wanted to run. I didn't even think of the process of getting up first and placing my feet on the ground and regaining my balance. I just wanted to be running. But he would have caught me. Then maybe he would have placed my cloak over my face and raped me. That would have been so much worse than his hand under my shirt. I didn't move. I didn't even breathe.

The little ring of water was so still. I kept looking at it and my body kept compulsively shaking like it was possessed. Back and forth. I tried to throw up but I was shaking too much my guts didn't respond. When he came in to see what was taking me too long, I started sweating. I never sweat like that in my life. I didn't cry. But I took a corner...corners mean alot to me.

Her belly was getting fucking huge. There it was, in my face, I kept looking up at it from my corner then at him. I prayed it wouldn't be a girl. It might have been the only time He listened. It should have been too...

I was ready to go up the two remaining floors now. I wasn't running, I wasn't out of breath, I was just wishing the pain in my stomach would go away. I'm always wishing the pain in my stomach would go away. Unlock. Lock again. What the fuck just happened?! Oh and I think I forgot my stuff.

there was always a trace of a very very subtle shake inside me. It came out when I would light a cigerette. It would show in my voice when I would be nervous. Good thing it never developed into a nervous tick. I would honestly shoot myself if my lip twitched enough to be noticable! No super heroes have nervous ticks!

The backdoor had two little windows. It looked like those hospital doors you stand so intently behind to look for the escaping soul of someone you care about inside. I once knocked on that door from the inside, before actually stepping out. Fucking idiot. Everyone laughed.

Revisiting My Kefaya Campaign.

2009-04-06T10:46:00.003+02:00

In lights of the recent renewal of the so called patriotism filling our atmosphere, and other things that have been getting to me, I would like to update my Kefaya outreach program!

Kefaya Facebook demonstrations/movements/groups/campaigns

Kefaya mozahrat hayfa!

Kefaya April 6th BS.

Kefaya status updates

Kefaya el qanah el talta! begad!

Kefaya Hassan Hosny

Kefaya El Mofatish Korombo, nefisa we gozha, etc.

Kefaya khawlana/shazwana! fein el regala!?!

Kefaya isti3bat

Kefaya Tamer Hosny

Kefaya tadbees we ibtizaz.

Kefaya lawy dera3!

Kefaya ta7'teet

Kefaya matabaaattt!!!

Kefaya 2alsh!
Kefaya mayinfa3sh
Kefaya mafeesh!
Kefaya kheyana
Kefaya gheera
Kefaya seyam! * tool el sana seyam!???!!!*
Kefaya tanteet
Kefaya khof
Kefaya as2ela
Kefaya khesam
Kefaya hamageya
Kefaya tad7eya
Kefaya 7amalat e3laneya (faqat bedafi3 el ser2a we mish el tatweer)
Kefaya Soyas!
Kefaya Iflas
Kefaya khawazee2
Kefaya drama!
Kefaya mokhadarat
Kefaya mo3aksat
Kefaya kalam maloosh lazma
Kefaya "for the first time in egypt, and the arab region etc......"
actually Kefaya nile fm!
Kefaya elet adab
Kefaya zolm fil nas
Kefaya ya rayis!
Kefaya tarya2a
Kefaya facebook we 7ewarat facebook
Kefaya aflam habta!
Kefaya e3lanat shampoo we samna
Kefaya e3lanat we khalas
Kefaya nifaq
Kefaya ghaba2
Kefaya ghala2!
Kefaya ser2a ya welad el kalb!
Kefaya ta3asob
Kefaya 3onsoreya
Kefaya kalam 3al nas
Kefaya ta7akom
Kefaya istighlal lil solta
Kefaya kosa we wasayit
Kefaya habal!
Kefaya gahl
Kefaya moslim wala mesee7y wala shee3y wala sunni!
Kefaya kedb 3al nas
Kefaya mazaher fargha
Kefaya wagebat
Kefaya tawaqo3at
Kefaya reqaba
Kefaya tamseel
Kefaya za7maa!!!
Kefaya banzeen!!
Kefaya minimum charge
Kefaya "mamnoo3 ya captain"
Kefaya legan!
Kefaya aghany masroo2a
Kefaya aflam ta2leed
Kefaya taware2!!!!!!
Kefaya "3afwan laqad nafaza raseedakom"
Kefaya rashwa
Kefaya 2esharat moroor malhash ma3na
Kefaya tashareef we 2afl shaware3 3ashan seyadto!
Kefaya ta3leem bayiz we motakhalif
Kefaya 3eish b zalat we toob
Kefaya i3lam mota2akhir we taba3 el 7okooma!
Kefaya saraya wel garayid el khasa beta3it el rayis!
Kefaya far3ana...
Kefaya haygana 3ala ay bent me3adeya

to be continued i'm sure.

I'm just corny like that and I don't care, hmph!

2009-04-06T10:10:00.005+02:00

I have photographs stuck in the corner of my dressing table mirror.

I read The Hobbit like once every year!

I like the Beach Boys.

I would want to wear a pretty dress and be asked to dance.

If I find the Bold and the Beautiful on sometimes Iam inclined to watch it.

Sometimes I miss only having the at your request radio show on fridays on 95.4.

I would tell jokes if people are down to cheer them up.

I look at my photo album collection (the real ones, not on facebook) every now and then.

I still love Michael Jackson.

I kiss people I love or care about on the forehead, even my female friends.

I still think it's important to sing Happy Birthday on someone's birthday.

I keep a scrap book.

I drink my coffee in mugs that were given to me as birthday gifts.

Oh I miss the mugs that used to have images on them that would change when filled with hot water!!

I miss normal mail so much!

I listen to christmas carols all the time during christmas!

I know the words to most of the songs from Cats. (the musical, yes)

I sometimes listen to my old Madonna tapes.

I do listen to Westlife sometimes, and Boyzone, and Take that.

I am devotedly in love with Jason Mraz I just can't help it.

I really respect Eminem!

I probably know every word from Aladdin's script.

When I'm upset, I seek to curl up.

I collect magnets from countries I visit and put them on the fridge.

Every now and then, I like to draw and color with crayons.

I've kept every card anyone has ever given me.

I have a shoe box filled with memories. An actual shoe box.

What Happened to my sweet summertime dress? I picked trash in it.

2009-04-03T11:34:00.000+02:00

Do you know that when you forgot me I started to lose a little color? Some even claimed I was beginning to turn a little see-through. I faded slowly and waited for you to remember but I apparently didn't return to your memory.
Did you know when you claimed to see my colors you truly did? you even added some of your own and together they produced a lovely shade.
I thought i'd let you know.
But no... not really.
Now black and white have more color than I do. Can you sense my bitterness? I taste it every morning.
You can't sense it...because you forgot.
That's ok.
That's what happens when I show my true colors. Better be more careful next time. I promise to be more careful next time, if my colors return.
The verdict has been issued.
Rebuild the wall.

and March is finally fucking over!!!!!

2009-03-31T14:14:00.001+02:00

The drugs don't work. The sleep is futile and pathetic. The friends are faded in the background. The music is restless and shuffling. The thoughts are intrusive and invasive. The pain is surrounding. The focus is blurred. The confusion is royal. The words are escaping and weak. The losing streak is continuing. The plans are scheduled but delayed. The front is on but wary. The pretense is strong but flaky. The bucket is filled, and spilling, and is making a mess of a trail infront of me, so i'm slipping. The phone is on silent. The movies are taking too long. The laughs are not powerful enough. The car rides drive me to tears. Work seeks my attention, poor thing I can't give it any. The home is protective. The food tastes good but lacks hunger. The book is open and put down on it's face. The clothes won't straighten. The hair looks great. The glasses are crooked. The tan is fading. The voice is cracking. The routine is beat. The shoes hurt. The sun is amazing. The connection is fucked. The addiction is powerful...the withdrawal: overwhelming...

Thought 1

2009-03-29T13:26:00.003+02:00

A moment of clarity found me last night and experienced confusion. I was sitting there in my bed and it suddenly hit me and lasted for just a few minutes before I shook it off and closed my eyes.

I have been restless in my bed, as thoughts and words rush past me and I don't know which to follow, I decide to follow none and keep my eyes open and focused on the tv screen until they shut unwillingly and I don't have to go to sleep thinking about something.

But last night as my eyes were falling my subconscious made a decision for me. It was a decision I wanted to take for a while now, but it made it and it felt so easy and immediate. I felt the comfort of this choice right there in bed, and I went to sleep.

I still had the nightmares I've been having all week, but I didn't mind, I didn't let them wake me up this time, actually, I was keen on finishing the dream, it was filled with so much grief, I wanted to see it and feel it because it is actually something I was always scared of.

I woke up and the moment of clarity was gone because the decision made 12 hours ago felt weak and feeble and so small...like it's voice was gone or like it was shrunk. The second I woke up, there it was, the thought.

I run away from it and I ignore it and push it aside and turn my back on it and talk over it and scribble all over it and it just wiggles it's way right in between my moring coffee and reading the paper...right in between putting my shoes on and looking for my keys, just as I sit in my car and put the seat belt on, it's intrusive and sly. The battles of the mind are ugly. Are realy really ugly.

Mom's word of wisdom for the day:

2009-03-29T00:00:00.003+02:00

Never get married, all relationships go to shit anyway...

The Road Not Taken

2009-03-23T15:46:00.004+02:00

I am exhausted. At times like these, I wish I had a magic 8 ball that I trusted and I could just work my way through a list of questions and do as it tells me. I'm lost because in times like these, when others were in my shoes, I always opted for the straight forward path.

I'm not good at alternative agendas and so I can't stage ones. I wish it was as simple as me being able to just say what is really on my mind and how i really feel, but i'm a coward. because i'm scared of embarrassing myself or making someone else uncomfortable. I'm scared of regret. I regret so easily and so compulsively. I'm scared that i'll break myself, that something won't be repaired after pain that I would be causing myself by just dropping the act and not having a care in the world and just being honest and allowing myself to be genuine. but i'm tricking myself into feeling things that are just not how i really feel.

I don't know...i wish someone would tell me what to do...but I will not even let myself ask.

I am simple...i know that. I want to do things simply...but i keep letting myself be so afraid!!

I can't blame anyone else for this.

I fear that my honesty will be someone else's weapon against me...

i think i know the outcome,I think i know it so well...

If I can hear people's thoughts, I probably wouldn't listen, because this is how fucking idiotic i am!!!!

I wish I knew what to do...I wish I believed that the path i chose to be taking now, is the right one. I wish I could take the road less traveled by...but I don't have enough faith that it will make all the difference.

I am not brave enough. And that is killing me!!!!! I think I would walk down the road less traveled, even if it's scary and dark and completely fucking untravelable..I'd take it i would...but i don't have the courage it takes to make the decision initially...thats all.

I just want to make peace with the decision i'm taking now..I want to know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing...

But I don't know that, I don't know that at all

The circle of important things and so on and so forth

2009-03-20T11:53:00.002+02:00

I listed about 7 important things to me, 4 of them weren't honestly that important to me, and somethings that were TRULY important, weren't on that list. Anyways, so ya, I listed 7 important items in my life...

Not in order, that would have been a brain fuck, but the brain fuck came later anyway.

Then I drew a circle, the circle had a center. Every item was then represented with a line that went through that center...and sort of created this pie chart looking shape. Fine, ok...

Thennn!!!! I was to make a mark on each line, positioning the mark according to how healthy this item is in my life. The closer to the edge of the circle, the healthier the status of the item is.

Some lines I couldn't even mark! Some I didn't even think of as I placed the mark as close to the center as I could, only two came close to the edge...ok..then what?

I was to then, connect these marks together, resulting in what looked like a little pathetic squirmy kinda object inside a bigger circle.

This was becoming very very insightful.

It was almost like how i felt in my world. A squirmy pathetic little girl trying to gather things from here and there, resulting in a complete lack of form or shape or structure.

The goal of this exercise? was to realize, the need to try to transform this inner shape to look like a healthier circle, followed by making it bigger. So you want to improve the health status of the important things in your life, and then add to them, and add to your life.

Ok, sounds very inspirational.

Here's the problem.

I'm not inspired.

I'm looking at it now......nope...nothing....not inspired.

I missed the point perhaps?

Well, I might have...because I do not know what is important to me in my life, or who, versus why, considering where, and through 'when'? As for the 'health' status...I'm lost at 'HOW?'

How am I to judge the health of any of these items? I am not that objective, I'm just not!!!

The circle thingie, showed me a few things, and I'm going to go back and do it in like a week. I think i need to reconsider the important items in my life...needing to think again about which do i really want inside my circle. As for their health, I might go back and mark that even later...I'm in no rush...I'm a girl, I have hormones that cloud my judgement! I reserve the right to change my mind. And as Battah said yesterday, It's OK to lie to yourself every once in a while, it becomes motivational after a while. I second that. I will have a prettier circle next time. Hmph!

feels like i've been here before

2009-03-18T21:27:00.004+02:00

"Shame, such a shame
I think I kind of lost myself again
Day, yesterday
.....

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
.....

Fade, made to fade
Passion's overrated anyway

....."

alligned the wheels but it was no use.

2009-03-17T20:20:00.004+02:00

I can't really go as far as claiming it to be that, but i am scared. It felt very singular and alone at that moment. Actually It still does.

But I do feel very blessed. I feel like some things are being whispered to me in explanation. I am accepting my misfortunes and I am becoming at peace with the things upsetting me the most, the people that hurt me, the same ones I love the most, the singularity of my life, my every day, my insecurities, my inadequacies, and my unattained desires.

I am letting go of them all. I no longer long for any of it, any of it all.

I sometimes hear a conversation in my head about this, it enables me to believe that i am stronger.

I am thankful. I am so thankful to everything that I have and everything that I don't and everything I never will.

I am less hopeful, I'm more current. I am more aware of what is now rather than what could be later and I am disregarding what I wished for and what I usually would.

Pushing myself and forcing myself to just stop. Because it's not going to turn out any different. Either way, with or without my liking, whatever will happen will. I am losing some faith in the power of my own steering and beginning to see such higher divinity in my surroundings.

It seems like sometimes no matter how hard I hold onto that steering wheel I still drift and crash into the roadside.

I'm accepting that but it's not like i'm doing it well...it's actually hurting like hell, but I am. It sometimes refreshes itself in my memory and I want to just die thinking of the way I know in my heart it is rather than what I just hope and would like it to be.

I am truly giving up on so much, part of it is sad, but part of it is empowering. Liberating even.

I am picking out parts of who I am and putting them away, somewhere...I don't want them, I don't need them, and they don't help me either, if anything, they're my weakness and are easily abused. By myself included.

I am happy with the knowledge of all this. I intend to keep going...keep putting parts away, keep making myself stop, snap myself out of this pathetic place, I intend to keep my hands on the wheel but if something happens and i go off the road, I think i might just let it happen...

Shitness!

2009-03-14T15:21:00.001+02:00

I completely ran out of self distractions........

Why did I have to be from the 'facebook generation'?!

2009-03-14T09:38:00.004+02:00

Mom and Dad are on facebook. SOB!

Dad asked me to help him set up his facebook account, so that was easy to ignore...I just procrastinated. Eventually, despite of me, it happened. He's not facebook-able, so it's OK.

But mom has managed to exist in all my virtual surroundings, it is only here that I have some safety from her intrusiveness (i think?). She's on MSN, she's on Facebook, She's on Yahoo, she's on the phone, she's SMSing, she's even reading my news blog. Hmmmm....How do I ignore mom's facebook request??

How do I ignore my 11 relatives who have all intelligently recommended her as a friend to me on facebook. And what the hell is that about anyway? Recommending friends to friends? Isn't it bad enough that we have to meet friends' friends we might not necessarily like...kaman I have to be cornered into it on facebook?

Of course I had to accept her into the third week of her request sitting there on the top right corner taunting me, reminding me of how she stands at my room's door giving me those clean-your-room-looks.

Adding her to my limited profile has been the trickiest part of our facebook relationship. We have like 20 mutual friends, and so I have to make sure all these peoples' privacy settings match hers, because mom is sneaky like that. yes. Then these peoples' settings have to match the other mutual friends we share, because apparently facebook's limited profile is offensive or something.I can understand how me saying I really don't see how this is any of your business might upset...but at least I kept u on my friend's list:P

Mom knows she's on my limited profile...of course she does. But she hasn't mentioned it to me, and that scares me a little i think.

Now facebook is being translated into arabic. And they're asking people to 'help' them translate it into arabic. WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!?!!? Isn't it bad enough that now people don't take pictures unless 'tag' is spoken? You snap a picture now and immediately it's considered for profile-picture choice awards! A7a fee eh?! I'm guilty of it too.

I've heard from monkey that the colloquial arabic term for facebooking is 'fasbaka'...i think that was what broke the camel's back.

I'm so tired of facebook. I'm tired of all the relative requests and the super pokes. I'm tired of that stupid little corner with the people you might know list! Now all the people i removed know I removed them when i suddenly pop up on their people you MIGHT know list rather than their people you are already stalking list.

I'm so tired of the status updates. No I'm actually mad at the status updates and how much they're giving me ugly insight into people I actually like! The facebook status updates are ruining people for me! STOP IT!

Everyone is so worked up about the new design changes, like it actually matters!

I'm thinking, am I part of the whole facebook insanity because I'm actually blogging on the matter? What're the strategy rules here? You're only facebook immune if you manage to actually completely ignore it? With all it's annoyances and updates and insignificancies?

I'm not facebook immune. I know. :(

I want to deactivate, but I don't want to have to reactivate it. I have primary school friends and teachers and special people who restrict their social activity to facebook...It's all their fault. heh!

nothing more than a longing for being uninvolved

2009-03-12T06:49:00.007+02:00

One measure of indifference to last me all my life..NEEDED...urgently.. so much right now. Desperation for emotional apathy, for coldness, and hollow strength.

Guess I don't mind it so much, these contradictions have managed to surround me, It's just what I am. I pretend to be ok with it, but it's probably more to do with the fact that I think I have no clue as to what the fuck to do about it. But it's all depending on how I deal with whatever it is staged infront of me. Sometimes I surprise myself!

So I promised me I'll magically get a grip on reality one day and perhaps I'll wake up with this conviction that maybe it's not all going to be ok afterall!!!

With my luck I'll take these experiences and figure out what I'm supposed to be learning from them when it's too late. But it's nice to say we learnt from our mistakes and such...

Damn, I wake up or go to sleep and they're the same thing, the time between gets thumb smudged and I'm wide awake and feeling insomniac and thinking this is so not worth it but I can't help myself, because well, i think it is.

When you woke up this morning everything was gone.

By half past ten your head was going ding-dong.
Ringing like a bell from your head down to your toes,
Like a voice telling you there was something you should know.
Last night you were flying but today you're so low
Ain't it times like these that you wonder if you'll ever know
The meaning of things as they appear to the others:
Wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers.
Don't you wish you didn't function,
Don't you wish you didn't think
Beyond the next paycheck and the next little drink'
Well you do so make up your mind to go on,'cos
When you woke up this morning everything you had was gone. "

Speaking of Colors...

2009-03-11T08:41:00.007+02:00

Amidst drawing blanks and blues, wishful thoughts and far away obsessions came back to accompany me in what seemed to be perfect loneliness. I pushed them away and lost them as I dipped in the water but they managed to be found as I dried in the sun.

"One day I was sitting on the shore, thinking of you.I looked up at the sky above, its color was blue. The Sun shone down on me, its yellow rays too. Speaking of colors...The next day the sky had changed, unlike my feelings for you, which were neve rearranged... Speaking of colors...Even sand reminds me of you...."

Ras Shetan Rules!

2009-03-10T09:23:00.003+02:00

1. Thou shalt not impose anything on anyone

2. Thou shall do whatever the hell you want to do!

3. There shall be no judgement

4. There shall be no pressure for group activities.

5. Always 'just chill'

6. Share the goodies, always always share the goodies, except the hook ups.

7. Oh and thou can hook up with whoever thou wants!

8. Of course what happens in Ras Shetan eventually never stays in Ras Shetan but thou shall give it a serious try anyway.

9. Do not complain too much

10. Sleep whenever, wherever, for however long, and with whoever!!

11. Always talk about when are you next planning to go back to Ras Shetan!

12. Always try to leave later than the intended date of departure.

13. You don't have to shower, or shave. EVER!

14. Be one with nature.

15. Look out for one another, bas min ghir bedan!

16. Express the love whenever you feel it!

That being said, I had a fucking amazing time, and I love you guys*!!!

* that includes the girls, especially the girls!!

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro!

2009-02-21T16:35:00.001+02:00

This sensationalist is annoying the fuck out of me, and that attention whore needs someone to rape her once and for all!

The drama is closing in and I'm trying to fight it, but the world is a stage and the curtains don't want to come down already.

Anyway this other guy keeps talking, shut up already I don't want to hear it, my god I barely even know you!!!

Stop the hinting and the pathetic between-the-lines attitude because I'm honestly not looking to listen or read or interpret what the hell you're hinting it. Actually I don't want it period so fuck off!

And I promise, if i manage to go through this next coming month without seeing you again, i'll be nicer.

Oh and make up your mind already, either you're game or you're not, and figure out what it is the fuck you want and make a decision already!!!! I do not do mind games, is that so hard to absorb??

Urg!

May I be your possession?

2009-02-03T12:03:00.003+02:00

Drive for miles, because it's a trick to say your leg hurts, just sit there and be there and don't say anything if you don't have anything to say.

Drive on and listen to the music and play around with the volume and press next and cue and mouth the words and catch glimpses in your rearview mirror....just be there.

The small talk is welcomed and the silence is comforting and the finger dances around eachother's hands are corny but cute.

Don't push.

I won't.

Don't pull away.

I won't.

Ok come here.

Realize fully that there's nothing to understand about what it is that makes me feel the way I convey I do.

Hang the words on me, balanced and unfalling, you'll see.

oh well...

2009-02-03T10:29:00.002+02:00

Words come and go, rushing past me as if I'm not supposed to catch them, just a blurr of words, a blurr of colors and sounds and images and people with their faces and their clothes and their laughter and the bottles they hold in their hands.

The loud base beat takes over my heart beat and reregulates it to its liking. I am breathing to the music, literally, heavily possessed with ringing ears and shouting lips and every one pretending like they're not being watched...sure!

All heads are slightly bobbing back and forth, all the colors are reddish and blueish and that kind of setting hurts my eyes but they adjust and I'm ok and I'm comfortable and smiling but I'm preoccupied with something I can't quite place. Well I can, I just pretend like I can't and shortly believe myself.

He's almost gone now, almost.

2009-02-01T12:15:00.006+02:00

Some shines never wear off. That's what he thought, to say the least, and that's how he went about doing things. Like they would never get old, like it would never get boring, like everyone around him will always glare in amazement and awe!

Then, of course, he got bored. He was getting so predictable that he was bored with himself, his friends, his home, his car, his lifestyle, his name! He was fucking bored and he became so fucking boring it was just not amazing anymore!

A rolled Joint every now and then kept things moving along, enough haze in his reality to project some 'alternate' being. Everytime he finished licking that paper, one thought would rush to his mind "damn that's a good Joint", and everytime he sparked he'd smell out for the stuff he burnt,
"is it decent"? Is he gonna get high? Will it be a good high? Will he drive aimlessly for the next hour over the same highway? "Twice or three times?"

But he couldn't get high, ofcourse he couldn't, because this shit he smoked every hour of every day got old with him too, and stopped having any significance on his poor soul, his mind rotted away in his head and his heart was too stoned, too stoned to look out for it's own partner.

So after a couple of Joints and a couple of hours and a couple of drives over the same fucking high way, he'd go back home, park his car where he usually does, get his keys, hide his paper in his back pocket and hide his drugs in his boxers and then pick up his pack of cigarettes, "does it look intact?"it doesn't, but he stuffs it in his pocket anyway and gets going.

Locks the car, waddles down the sidewalk like some kid who is yet to be taught how to walk with grace, gets home, switches the tv on, yells out for some food like the lazy slob he is and throws himself on the couch. With every inch of his body hitting that couch, he realizes what a loser he is, how bored he is, how aimless his life became and how aimless it will continue to be because he's just too pathetic to think up of any aim. He likes it like that, it's easier, little things come and go that keep shit interesting, new drugs in the market, a new pill for some party once a month or something, maybe go up to the beach and drink that entire bottle...find new distractions to distract him from the biggest nothing of all...his life. Everything that he has become.

Roll that Joint now...and spark...because nothing will ever change. Not now anyway.

The God of the Doorway

2009-01-30T12:04:00.003+02:00

You're ending, so i must write to you.

This year, you were very different, more different than I can ever recall.

You were warmer, or at least It was easy to stay warm, amongst family and friends and someone special, it was so easy to stay warm.

You finally shared with me your sense of humor, or perhaps I finally got it! But you made me laugh so hard and so much and so genuinely.

You really gave me a new start, which you've never done before, you always pretend to, but this time I can tell, it was really new and I am so excited about it all, hey even if when you're gone everything is gone with you, I won't blame you, you did well. I will blame me.

Last year I thought you would fix everything up for me, they told me it was my year, but my God were they off!! I had forgotten you and what you represent to my year, but thank you for refreshing my memory.

I will miss you, and I wrote this so that if what follows is not as pleasant, I can remember how it initially began.

*Blessed*

On the Development of Egyptian Beauties..:S

2009-01-29T10:23:00.004+02:00

Lovely!

It's always useful to remember 'this' happened before!

2009-01-26T11:57:00.004+02:00

Fear hasn't found me like this since the fork that cut through my throat. Nor have i ever longed for protection this way before..

the little brother i had that burst into blood in my arms, and fell down the cliff left me sobbing so compulsively.

not knowing why the redness of the light hurt my eyes so much, I shut them tightly to manage an escape, but my legs wouldn't carry me, my legs, let me down.

the disappointment was so intense, so tangible, i can hear it.the footsteps that resounded in my head so heavy, like i wasn't meant to be picking them up, like i wasn't meant to use them for that..stay put, wait for it, it's inevitable, i will happen and you will have to stand there and watch it happen, and you will not be able to change it or stop it or do anything bout it, you'll just be allowed to watch..

and you can shut your eyes all you want, because your mind is watching, it's is inside your eyes and behind your shut lids and under your pillow and in your head!

and the sounds? the sounds are in your life, parts of the things you hear and say, a mixture of all the bullshit mixed with jealousy and envy and words so short and strong like fuck and mad.

there are always stairs i'm trying to get off or get onto, there are always chairs i'm trying to sit onto but can't quite get it right, cars I can't start and teeth I keep loosing, a voice I can't speak and a scream I can never let out.

But mostly, i'm running, and I'm not getting away, and I feel heavy and i'm in pain and i always awake before I'm caught up with.

Is it just the reflection or are you see-through??

2009-01-19T00:43:00.001+02:00

I do not feel the urge to write. I do not feel the urge to dictate myself the feelings I am experiencing and to further articulate these feelings into expressive words and delve into my vocabularistic talent to end up producing a piece of genuine or heartfelt writing.

I am ok.

I am good.

I am excellent.

I am splendid, yes I am.

I do not have plans, nor do I have a clue as to where the hell I'm going or where I want to be or who I will do anything with. I know I want to dream, and I dream big. Then I want to suddenly find myself implementing those dreams with just as a sudden of a motivation to realize those so called goals I am to set for myself. I want to bump along for a while, I want to stop listening and talking and thinking, I want to just be..and I might be able to pull exactly that off...just might.

On my right, the emptiness of that road is nostalgic, it is filled with growing up memories of how that garden died. On my left, I have piles of stuff, and yet I 'never have anything to wear'. Infront of me, my cat is looking at me like I am new and behind me I rest...on what has become this little spot i come back to everyday, connotated with comfort and boredom and contradicting feelings that I enjoy trying to wrap my mind around every time.

Democracy is so over rated.

But those feelings in my head are taken away, creeping into my heart instead and controlling me like I have never allowed before. I sit back and submittingly let this scare wear off and breathe like I'm good again.

At night, consuming as it becomes, I smile more. How disturbing!!! hahaha

but not long ago I lived nights when all i did was recall the days. I have left that behind now, my nights and days are entirely different things.

but then again, you can't change my opinion if you don't know what is!

if i'm 3 words, I am awesome, if i'm 4, then I am royally fucked!

Meh!

I'll buy myself the moon thank you very much!

2009-01-17T01:02:00.007+02:00

Little patterns my eyes keep catching on the wallpaper and the little lost cat hairs i see on the keys of this board and the white shapes that look so neat but don't make any sense in my head because i am writing without effort, without need or knowledge or stamina.

Fragments of movies and movie soundtracks fill the background of this note. The screen's light casts this shadow on my fingers to send me up, elevating to a resuscitating tune. The Organ maybe.

The numbers keep blurring and blending and dancing and mating and multiplying and adding up and i'm so tired of the 6 and the 7! They make me miss my pen and paper so much, but I am grateful for the grass and the beach and I am a flower and all that, so I'll stick to the keys afterall

this mess that surrounds me is more profound than i have given it credit for. It might just be sinking deeper in a mind getting troubled by it's own inability to conjure up precise thoughts on demand, but fragmentation conceives genius! ha..ha!

Finally perfected the skill of coming up with clever ideas and plans only just before i go to sleep and drawing masterpieces on tissue paper that end up crunched in the pocket of my coat. I sound only good in the shower too, but i insist on singing elsewhere anyway.

insinuating to myself ideas of a feeble-nature and shallow social splendor! i shall stick to focusing on the connection between myself and inanimate objects that surround me, getting hysterically distracted!!!!!!

but maybe it isn't writer's block afterall. Maybe it's me really refusing to let myself do it. Because I know better...I do.

Tsk tsk!

I'm a Self-Loather by Nature.

2008-12-27T01:15:00.002+02:00

It doesn't matter because I always knew I was ugly. there was no way around it really, I could get my hair done and wear the best thing I own, I'd buy fancy things and put makeup on, but nothing worked for me. I knew I was ugly, I saw it in the mirror, on those makeover shows, I knew it consciously every day.

I'm not exactly beautiful on the inside either. My bitterness and jealousy took over most of my heart. The little I have left is lonely, unloved, and even a little pathetic.

I feel sorry for myself. I'm a girl, with a fact in my mind that's all. I never pray for a prettier face, I never consider surgery. I cut myself. I deserve it.

I pop pills too, with my crazy over demanding style of life, pills keep me going, keep me strong. Because I'm ugly.

I am a product of disfunctionality, I'm the result of domestic violence, sexual abuse, maternal hatered, and drugs. I sell wastefullness, craziness, and ofcourse, ugliness. I am everything I know I hate, I will not change, because I can't. Of course.

I try to kill myself when life gets tough, and I get panic attacks when I want to distract myself or others. I am, an Attention whore.

It works out for me because I'm strong, because I'm loud, because I know how to manipulate things to my advantage. But my existential crisis haunts me everyday, I admitt it...I am fu**ed up, and I love it!

It thrills me to threaten my parents with suicide and makes my day when I guilt trap someone into loving me. I am dramatic, and it gives me a rush to make the world my stage.

You're the only thing that reminds me of how good I once felt, how much I valued your friendship and myself, how much I wanted to be a better person, and how hard I tried. You remind me of warmth I once possessed and normality I once was aquainted with. You remind me of all the times I was genuinely happy and people genuinely loved me. You remind me how pretty I am, everyday.

I hate you.

*Based on a true life*

I'm Seeing Stars

2008-12-22T12:48:00.003+02:00

This must be the best state of mind I've known since Paris. Actually scratch that and fuck Paris. This is me, right here, right now. Never seen so many pebbles, pebbles are now in my memory, their discoloration and stubbornness under my feet so vivid, and how they shine just as the wave breaks.

The water tonight is silver plated, it's shiny and pretty and keeps flirting with me. The other shore is short of impressive, and the dullness of its few lights just give it couture, but in a foggy distance, if you look just right, you'll see their outlines, so fragile, unlike what people mistake them for. Now apart from the craziness of the stars and their blinkers, the constellation here are mind blowing-ly graphic. I don't recall such astronomy in my life.

I feel now more in tune with nature than I have ever felt. This all knowing all binding mother has cradled and suckled me so gracefully, so lovingly, there's more love here than I ever shared with anyone, but She is sharing it with me.

Inspiration can find me here, I keep hiding anyway, maybe in a grain of sand.

And in the back of my mind I listen to her voice and wonder who will hold my hand?

Then my rhyming scheme this time can be interesting and repeat itself again.

Sounding more complicated each time or perhaps it's just too plain.

But the sun is not going away and every word can be seen. I'll hide it, and go back there.

Go home, with some pebbles in my book, a reminder, life was then so fair.

And stunning and gay and all these unfamiliar sounds to my tongue, describe my day,

And at night,Today...

I have something pretty to dream of...

Attention Girls:

2008-10-26T13:44:00.002+02:00

2008-10-11T21:27:00.002+02:00

Last night, I discovered something about you. I'm not sure of it, but it could be true. If it is...I'm sorry.
If I pressured you, guilt-tripped you, or allowed you to break me in ways that I have come to discover as irreparable.
If I'm right, then I was wrong to hate you all this time. I was wrong to judge you and let you know that your yes or no are of such an impact on my life.
I wish you could have said something, because if I'm right. I now know how you feel...worse than that...I now realize, I'm a lot like you! That maybe you're going through what I am going through too...to clarify, I'm not trying to make a connection, I'm only trying to gain perspective.
It explains a lot...the suddenness of it all...the intensity, the unexpectedness, input from others make such sense now.
I'm just trying to say that I have finally understood, I have finally had closure, I have finally stopped hating you.
I'm hoping I'm right, because this is makes more sense...If I am...It means I'm not that different,
it means I've done to others, what you have done to me...It means we really were the same,all along.

"All Parents Damage their Children...It can not be helped!

2008-10-04T13:37:00.004+02:00

Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, and a few shatter childhoods completely..into jagged little pieces, beyond repair"
The 5 People you meet in heaven.

Cracked glass-like youth is not a mystery...It's expected half the time, if not even predicted. Though some have it better than others, and perhaps in my best of moments I can relate myself to 'some', 'others' still get their glass shattered, sit in their room with blank sort of numb reactions, desperately trying to pick the pieces up, freaked out, and completely clueless as to how this could have happened, how to fix it, and just where to start. Or need I not bother at all?

Resentment! towards a person that comes with this job description, to be a parent. This person that holds so much power with the role, and abuses it, and manipulates it, and plays mind games with those under him in the organizational chart, the kids. It works in this mundane patriarchal manner, whether mother or father, or sometimes both, or even none at all...there's this exuberant routine of inflicting pain, serious and permanent, and deep. Resentment towards parenting, that has become nothing more to me than just some other job, like any other, and you're doing really bad at it too.

So...I choose to rise above.

I'm rising above the situation, refusing to become this fucked up little daughter that stresses over the viciousness of the cycle, and just how much she's gonna fuck someone up later along the line.

I'm overcoming the urge to turn into this prozac-enslaved-mindless-disturbed-numbed person that can later on in life blame it on the selfish, abusive, uninterested parents, the ones that didn't hug me enough as a baby! Bullshit!

Yea...I'm rising above!

A Country's Collapse...

2008-09-24T18:55:00.004+02:00

The Doweqa Tragedy...

News wise...it says this has been seen coming for at least 7-8 years...officials did do something about it, well, I'm not defending, I'm only trying to stick by the most basic elements of journalism, objectivity.

Anyway, apparently officials had tried offering the people of Doweqa small apartments, for free, in a living compound under the auspice of Egyptian First Lady Suzan Mubarak. According to a cop I spoke to, currently on duty at the scene, the apartments were tiny, but they were apartments, built of stone and cement, not paper and splinters..
they were not great..but they were apartments.

He goes on to tell me how so many of the people who were given these apartments, resorted to selling them, to make use of the money, and went back to live in their shanty homes in the shanty town, under the big rock that would fall and kill thousands, the one everyone knew about...

So i ask him, tell me what it's like there, it's much worse than we see isn't it?

Cop: "Worse? You have no idea, I understand though because we haven't been really admitting the media or the press in yet, but it's not even imaginable to me, and I go everyday, and still, everyday I'm taken by surprise. First of all, the collapsed rock is the size of at least 3 apartment buildings across, bodies under have been decaying under 10 hours of sun everyday, the smell of death is so real...

"And how are the people taking it? How are the cops and the rescue workers treating ...."

He looks at me and acknowledges what I'm trying to ask, and interrupts me:
" God alone knows what it's like to be in their shoes, but these people have no awareness of the frame of it all...by the hours, they throw stones at the cops, push and shove at the rescue workers trying to do their jobs...
But....They're always in the way, spitting and swearing and cursing at us...
some of them are still there..in those little homes, some homes are half under the rubble, and the other half is being lived in.
That's why it's taking so long, you read in the papers that they're hundreds, I'm telling you they are thousands...thousands...and we're not even sure how many are still under...but judging by the smell...thousands more.

He keeps shaking his head while telling me this, and i'm sitting there, unable to absorb it all in, I've never heard a first hand account of anything like this, I've only seen it on TV, and i was almost always sure that it was staged.

When the Mo'atam hill collapsed on the shanty homes at Doweqa, i was not surprised, because as I mentioned before, it's was a mere geological fact, anyone who studied the least bit of geography, knew it will happen sooner or later. Of course i had no real knowledge of the amounts of people who live there, and according to some sources, there are similar towns, with similar stories, and certainty in everything i read, that this is not going to be a one-time thing..

I don't know who to blame or who to be angry with, We're SO MANY! we're just so many and I feel like everything in comparison is so little, even the so called
effort that my government exerts, if any...perhaps I don't believe it's there, but sometimes, you just have no other choice.

Depression does take over, very silently, and very slowly, you almost feel like an entire country's spirit is breaking, and our soul is decaying in the scorching sun by the hours, then days, and now weeks.

This country has plenty of soul, plenty of spirit, I just hope it's plenty enough, to survive whatever is coming next...I have a feeling it's just starting...

In loving memory of every human life taken in this tragedy, and all the ones like it.

11:11

2008-09-23T16:51:00.002+02:00

I'm not sure why i'm writing this here, but I felt this urge to share this with as much of the world as I can reach,
that 11:11 means to me a few things..

it means a shared breath
a shared look
a shared friendship
shared car rides
shared ciggerettes, thoughts,

simultaneous moments..and spontaneous ones too
memories..lots of memories

telepathy, the lovey dovey one..the freakish one, the catch-you-off-guard one..

but it's not all shared, it's all very personal too..it's all very simple
it's confusing, it's almost scary, sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's sad

It's a wish..

It's nostalgic

It's perfect.

http://www.1111spiritguardians.com/

A state of Mindless Gasping

2008-09-17T17:46:00.004+02:00

There has been stuff happening, it's not like there hasn't. Stuff that got me going like OMG WTF is going on kind of thing, ya, stuff has been happening alright, I just haven't been having the stamina it takes to write about anything, or even think of it substantially.

Sickness had something to do with it, sure, but I've had so much on my mind lately, I'm just not doing any one issue any justice.

What happened with the parliament burning down was one thing, Talaat Moustafa another, and the Doweiqa collapse ... well that on it's own was so big, I don't even think I managed to realize just how I feel about it all yet.

I was not surprised, and this time I didn't rush to the news channels or sites to read all about it, I just sort of sat there, trying to absorb it all..

It seems like every once in a while we're promised with a scrumptous disaster, that get's the media up in a frenzy, and blogs start buzzing, people start writing and I just sit there, everytime, feeling almost numbed by the tragedy that is the truth of where I live and the system I am supposed to follow.

Adverts have been filling the television now in Ramadan, adverts about nice comfortable luxurious compounds like Rehab, Sherouq and Madinaty...
PSA's about tax payers, shareholders and charity donators..
Egyptian soaps, syrian soaps and some even really weird gulf-originated soaps...
Cooking shows, competitions, quiz shows...
News, talk shows...
then just some more adverts.

Perhaps it's a little overwhelming, the things going on all in the same time, all in a span of a month, the superficiality in everything I see, read or hear...the lack of depth in anything I attempt myself...

Missing Armour..

2008-08-22T00:30:00.002+03:00

Given a ghost beating at night, my armour is way under my bed,my arm can't reach it.

so instead, my chest has to heap, and my eyes start to sob, despite every conscious attempt i make, at squeezing them shut.

I wish i had my armour, crying....but I don't, and it hurts so much.

the after effect is sore...my lungs ache from the quick short breaths, and my eyes..they hurt from all the squeezing.

i can awaken, i can converse, i can laugh too..but the one thing I can't touch, or see, or talk to, is all that's on my mind.

the characters in my book tell a story, a story of lost and confused kids, they're smart, full of life,
but they're also screw ups, and drug addicts too...

they fight customs and traditions, they fight parents and partners, bosses and friends, but they also fight themselves..they mostly..fight themselves.

I read them..every night...

the heart is suddenly trying to beat so quickly, and my lungs are only trying to catch up, my chest muscles start pumping acid, and my vision becomes blurred..

but all that doesn't matter. my brain feels pathetic, because my heart is asking it to feel sorry for it.

weakness is welcomed.

and there it is..all the words i should have wrote..coming to me in a rush, sounding so vivid..i have so much knowledge..it's so clear..no confusion..no hesitation

but my brain is smirking at my heart now..teasing it with the very things it desires..showing little previews..

soreness follows.

Broken Heart Syndrome

2008-08-04T08:42:00.004+03:00

According to Wikipedia..a broken heart refers to the physical pain one feels in their chest as a result of the loss.
Although the heart obviously is not harmed by the feeling, there is a condition (appropriately known as Broken Heart Syndrome) where a traumatizing incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue.

Tayeb OK!